Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

A new project is like Christmas

I’m incredibly indecisive. That being said, I’ve been mulling over redoing my bedroom for some time now. I am just over the blue/brown palette I’ve used for oh…ever. So, I bought this painting:

Now, I can pick color based on that piece of artwork rather than guessing. Also, it opens up opportunities for colored accent furniture and the like, which translates to: I’ll be painting the furniture I already have because we all know I’m not buying new when I can redo old. I’m pretty excited about it.

It’s interesting to learn that I don’t like foods I once craved like mad.

My friends threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. Caught me completely off guard and was pretty outstanding. It’s nice to be reminded of the gifts I have today. My friends are awesome.

I walked right into a spider web this morning, half awake in my pajamas, stumbling outside to try to capture a picture of the sunrise off my deck. It was one of those moments where I kinda hoped someone saw me and laughed, because it was straight out of a movie. Luckily, the spider remained on his web over the door. Clearly, I don’t go out back much. The picture turned out ok though, so there’s that. (I ran inside and slammed the door like the scaredy-cat I am)

I have to figure out how to use the sander this weekend. I’ve only had it for a year…

If a guy reaches out to me on Facebook and says that he saw one of my posts from earlier in the week and sends me an article related to that post, is that flirting? Or just being nice? I can’t tell. To be honest, he could say “I think you’re really cute and I’d like to take you out” and I’d still probably ask him if he was sure.

I’m not a doctor! (Not relevant)

It was legitimately cool last night. In July! That’s crazy talk.

I’ve got at least 2 unfinished projects I’d like to complete before school starts in August. They’re not difficult, I don’t know why I don’t just do them. Procrastination! *sigh*

I got flowers at work today! I can’t remember if I’ve ever gotten flowers at the office before. I don’t think I have. They smell great, they’re beautiful, and I’m so grateful. My parents are the coolest.

So, I was thinking about Interstellar, when they *spoiler* go to the planet where Matt Damon is and start preparing to colonize it. He talks about the surface below. And I just wondered, why the hell wouldn’t he be living on said surface? Why didn’t that trip any flags for those guys? Desperation? Perhaps. Still love that movie though.

Speaking of movies with Matt Damon and space, I saw the preview for Martian and it looks really good. I’ll be seeing that.

Push-ups are no joke. The exercise, not the dessert. Although…

Trying to relearn everything I know about food is crazy. Planning trips to the grocery store and rethinking what to eat at each meal is proving to be a challenge. I’m up for it, but it’s a lot to handle.

I’m grateful today that I know I never have to be alone. There was a time in my life when it felt like I was in a big dark cave, unable to see the walls and the ceiling because it was so dark, and lonely, and isolated. I’m so glad my life is full today. I have some of the best friends and family I could ever have, which is more than I deserve. I am shown every day how lucky I am. I know I got all sappy – I’ll try to get back to regular programming.

I think I have 3 separate piles of clothes that need addressing at my house. One needs folded, one needs ‘fluffed’ and one needs washed. I feel like I’ve been behind ever since I’ve been back. Maybe this weekend I’ll catch up. *please note, this is said with extreme optimism*

Help.

I have two big pet peeves at work. Ready? 1) fingernail clipping. That is clearly a grooming issue that should be addressed at home. I get the occasional hangnail, but every finger? Come on. 2) Loud ringtones of pop songs. Look, I get it. My ringtone is the theme to Harry Potter. I’m a big dork, just like everyone else. But it’s hard for a VP to take me seriously if Katy Perry’s Roar plays full blast while I’m on the phone.

I have colored pencils and a therapy coloring book at home – it’s a great way to unplug and decompress. Highly recommend.

13.5 hours

Change is hard. Being willing to take direction and reach out to others makes it easier. Not easy, just, not as challenging as trying to manage everything on my own.

Guardians of the Galaxy is better than I remembered. The music is also awesome. Groot is incredibly well animated – he says so much with his face that he doesn’t really need to be able to say much with his words. And his theme music gives me goosebumps every time. (Big dork, I know. Sue me.)

I packed for Ireland this afternoon and when I was finished, couldn’t really recall everything I’d packed. I’m sure I missed something, but I can buy what I need when I get there.

I had a lot to blog about as the day happened and now that I’m sitting on the couch, every witty thought or random question I had has escaped me.

I’m exhausted but know that I can’t sleep – I have cleaned the kitchen, finished laundry (I had to dry my last little bit at my parents as my dryer broke this afternoon, of course) and made a list of things that need to be done in the morning. I will finish this movie, take a bath and hope that relaxes me enough to catch some zzz’s on the couch.

My cat Nico chases my shadow and I think it’s hilarious.

People watching downtown last night was incredibly entertaining and I’m really glad I didn’t sit at home and do nothing, stuck in my head. I have a pretty awesome support group around me these days.

Bug bites on the feet are pretty horrible. I mean, I can think of a few worse places, but not many.

I’m grateful for the chance to get away. I’m grateful that I know I’ll be missed while I’m gone, and that I’ll come home to people who care about me.

“You said it yourself bitch. We’re the guardians of the galaxy.” What a fantastic line.

I could vacuum. Maybe in the morning.

Friday has never taken so long.

I’d like to just point out how absolutely annoying click-bait articles are. You know the ones…

“Child gets insulted in front of class, you’ll NEVER believe what happened next!!”

I rarely, if ever, click on those articles. One, the title is usually misleading. Two, the sources are rarely credible. Three, the whole point of phrasing the article that way is to make people click on the actual site, which generates more “clicks” which I’m sure leads to more money. I get that websites need to make money. But what happened to creative journalism? What happened to having to think up an attention-grabbing article that was a quick summary of the story? I’m not saying it’s ineffective, because that’s not true. It’s very effective, people share those articles all over Facebook. I just think it’s lazy, and incredibly annoying. Maybe that’s me being stubborn, and if so I’m fine with that. Just write a freaking article that is creative and informative and well sourced. Too much to ask? Apparently!

Moving right along…my coworker made me cake for my last day before vacation/early birthday celebration! That was very nice. It’s nice to share that with others – brings comraderie around the cubicles. That being said, I’ve had a healthy serving of that and half a donut already today. So, I’m finally having real food and am grateful for continuously working out. I had considered taking the gym day off but now I may not be able to justify it. We’ll see.

that + whipped cream = dump cake. so good.

I’m slowly chipping away at my list of things to accomplish. People keep saying I’m going to find a fine Irishman and stay there. My boss actually called me Becky McGuillicuddy today. The thing is, I’m not going for anyone or anything but me and myself, because I’m a big nerd and I want to do what I want, when I want. (Don’t worry, I’m coming home. I can tell, you were worried.)

This sums up how I feel about today quite nicely.

I hate when I’m the last person to reply in a group text message. Like, someone else please contribute. Pls.

Isn’t it 3 already?

Jumanji!

Do you find yourself trying to do daily activities and struggling, and then suffering embarrassment when someone notices? Monday I was trying to get a paper towel to dry my hands in the bathroom, and I could not get it. It was a brand new roll and someone squeezed that sucker onto the roller and there was clearly no room for the roll to roll. Anyway, I think I may have whimpered a little bit trying to pry the paper towel off, right as another woman walked in. I promptly left the bathroom. With wet hands. I should’ve waited to see how she handled the situation. That probably would’ve been creepier.

I had lunch with my dad yesterday- that was fun. Then I spilled pizza down my shirt. That was not as much fun.

Tell me this. Why is it that when someone sneaks up on someone else in a movie with a weapon, like say, Phil Coulson sneaks up on Loki in the Avengers, why do they always talk first? I mean, I get it. You have something clever or witty to say. Shoot them, and then say your piece. I mean, it’s a classic mistake.

I did not sleep well last night. My brain would not shut down. It was apparently on overdrive, and I couldn’t get comfortable. It was one of those mornings where I was conscious, just waiting for the alarm to go off. Given that, I got to work really early. So, bonus?

I laugh at the same jokes in movies almost every time, or at least smile in appreciation. I am a rewatcher of movies. I guess I just don’t always want to take the chance of watching something new and having it be terrible. Every once in a while I break out, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched some of my favorites. I know all the lines, I know the jokes when they’re coming, and I am still amused. For what it’s worth, don’t try that in real life. If you tell me the same joke every day, there will come a point where I will give you a death stare and walk away before you finish. It does not translate to real life.

Speaking of movies, I can’t wait for Jurassic World. Judge all you want, it looks fantastic.

I have started preliminary packing. Laying things out, etc. I have a birthday to celebrate a bit on Saturday so I have a feeling Sunday is going to be a mad dash to get everything. I can’t figure out if I’m going to under-pack or over-pack. I’m trying not to panic but I’m freaking out a little bit. I need to make a new checklist.

People never cease to amaze me.

Sounds silly, but I was in bed and the cats jumped up last night, and I realized that I’m going to miss them. I’m such a softie. I mean, I know they’ll be fine, but 10 days without someone with them overnight is a long time. I’m lucky I have friends who are willing to come over and spend time with them. They’ve been my comfort and entertainment for the past 7 years, it’s amazing how much a person can love a pet.

(I made a new checklist. I already feel better)

I’m kinda on vacation time already

Sometimes realizations come quickly. Sometimes slowly. I think the more emotionally invested I am, the longer it takes for realizations to unfold. I heard someone describe the word realize as something becoming real at the very core of your being. I had a realization last night that was as painful as it was freeing. I had a few of those this weekend. What that means for Monday is that I’m a bit lighter and quite a bit more hopeful.

And grateful.

Moving on to lighter topics – back to the Marvel universe because I love it so.

While re-watching Thor for the billionth time, it occurred to me…how did Loki get to Thor while he was being held by S.H.I.E.L.D.? I mean, did he take the Bifrost? I can’t imagine that Heimdall allowed him to go to lie to Thor about Odin being dead…so did he take his secret passage there too? And if that’s the case, how long had he really known that it was there, and had he used it previously for other nefarious or just mischievous mishaps? So many questions.

Arthur’s roots are growing at an alarming rate. I really need to buy a pot for him before I go out of town. I should try to grow another stem in water while I’m gone so he has a friend in his pot. What, you don’t name your plants? You should.

If you could have a fulfilling job that would improve your life, would you move away from everything you know to make it happen? I would consider it. One chance at life, better give it all I’ve got right? Home is always a place I could come back to.

I can’t believe this time next week I’ll be preparing to go to the airport for Ireland. Eeek! (This trip has distracted me from the fact that I’m turning 30)

Here’s a thought that’s bothered me, and I know it’s not just me. How is it in post-apocolyptic shows or zombie shows (read: Walking Dead) girls have impeccable eyebrows and no armpit hair. I mean really, when you’re battling zombies on the regular, do you really take time out of your day to shave and tweeze? and how? How did you find a razor and tweezers? These are the things I notice people.

I am lucky to be graced with some amazing women in my life. I hope I give back to them as much as they give to me!

Fashion Trends are Overrated

I need to keep a notepad next to my bed. I have weird dreams.

Seems like waterproof hiking shoes were a good purchase, given the places I’m going and tours I’m taking.

Seems like most women do not wear rain coats. Let’s be honest, I’ll be pegged as a tourist the second I step on the street. After reading about fashion dos and don’ts, I realized that I don’t even follow fashion rules here. Why would I try to overseas? Good grief. I know how to keep it classy and goodness knows I’m not one for high heels or short skirts so, I think we’re good. Layers, hoodies, hat, scarf, who knows what else. (I might be starting to freak out a little bit, just go with it)

A night with a girlfriend is exactly what I needed – the ability to connect with people on an emotional level is something I am grateful for today.

I say ‘What are you doin’ to my cats more often than you might think. 7 years and they still get into all kinds of trouble. In the best way. They make my life more interesting, and definitely keep me on my toes. Love them.

I think having plants in a home is a necessity. I buy ones that can’t easily be killed. It’s better that way.

Building muscle is fun. Now I need to change my diet up just a bit to ensure I’m protecting that muscle (read: more protein).

I haven’t painted in over a month – I hope to do that on Sunday. Make some time to just sit and be and do. It’s been a challenge lately.

It’s supposed to be 60’s and sunny this weekend so I may actually have the opportunity to pull weeds too. A life with a yard.

I have a deluxe Scrabble board that I got for Christmas that has never been used. That really needs to be rectified.

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries you guys, I’m telling you. Every character is admirable in some way – the main 4 characters especially. I could go on and on but I won’t – I tend to get a bit verbose on things like that. Just, do yourself a favor and check it out if you like that sort of thing.

Grocery store. Also something I need to do this weekend (as much as I hate it). As close as Ireland is, I still have a week of work, food, chores, and gym to complete, with a few appointments sprinkled in there.

Happy weekend.

Life Twists

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus. I haven’t felt the need or urge to write much as of late. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, creativity comes in waves like anything else. Or in my case, I just haven’t let the crazy out.

Ever feel as if everything in your life is up in the air? I guess that’s how I’ve been the past two weeks. Coming to some semblance of acceptance of it all has been challenging. I’ve thrown myself into the gym (did biceps and back on Saturday and I’m just now able to *almost* straighten my arms without pain) and into planning more specifics for my trip (11 days, I’m ready now).

It’s beautiful outside today – it has been rainy and cloudy lately. Today the sun is shining and it is pleasantly warm. Might have to go for a short bike ride.

So, in the 1930’s it was common to use the word ‘whatever’ where we would now use the word ‘whatsoever’ and I’m curious to know when that changed. It’s on my list of things to look up.

When I want to isolate, my friends reach out. I’m grateful for them. I have plans when I don’t want to have plans, which usually works out in my best interest because I end up having a lot of fun at said plans, when I would not have had as much fun alone. Life is funny that way.

Hello

I can’t walk into the break room and NOT hit stop on a microwave if they have extra time on them.

The movie You’ve Got Mail is full of obsolete references. Book stores are a thing of the past anymore (I think Barnes and Noble is holding on by a thread) and I’m not sure of the numbers but I’d guess that AOL usage has dropped significantly as well. (I still love that movie, Meg Ryan’s hair was outstanding)

Do you ever drive and wonder where the other people are driving to? I like to imagine that someone driving way too fast weaving through traffic is speeding to get a hospital to see the birth of a baby or something. It lessens the incredulity I feel.

I am always amazed at how people come into my life at the exact moment I need them.

Something I have learned is that most of the time, I just don’t really care if you like me or not, which is a far cry from where I was a few years ago. It’s not that I behave badly and don’t care. I take principled actions and do the best I can with what I have, and I try to just do the next right thing in front of me, whatever that is. Sometimes I’m more successful at that than others. It’s just that, I know now that I will not be friends with everyone in the universe, and that’s ok. There are people that I don’t like. I respect them, and I can appreciate what they do as far as their career or their goal to help people or whatever the case may be, but I don’t like them. So I should expect the same goes for me. There’s a freedom in not freaking out about making sure everyone wants to be my friend.

Bagged wet grass has to be one of the worst smelling things on the planet. Yuck.

On the other hand, a freshly mowed lawn is incredibly rewarding.

I tried cooking a roast in the slow cooker. It came out like a rock. However, the salsa chicken I made was on point. (I’ve been given instructions for when I attempt to cook a roast again)

There is nothing like waking up next to someone and being pulled into a morning cuddle.

Cleaning out my house of all the things I don’t wear/won’t use anymore is like losing a hundred pounds. Seriously, the previously unusable third bedroom at my house is now clean, arranged, smells like sage and citrus (one of my favorites) and has become my yoga/stretching/work-out room. I love it.

At this point in my life, when I have things to do it is harder to nap. I get this tight, anxious feeling in my chest which is not conducive to sleeping.

(p.s. I’m definitely changing the title of this to Random Musings)