Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

To Travel, Always

So, what I’ve found is that watching TV is as much a vacation as being somewhere new. Also, I’ve found about 4 new shows I’d love to get into. Not enough to pay for cable, but I get how people get hooked on so many TV shows.

I met the nicest guy on the plane ride from Chicago to Fort Lauderdale. We talked the whole trip. Considering we took a detour to avoid a storm, it was about 2.5 hours of chatting. You can learn a lot about a person in that time. I love that about traveling. Everyone has a story – and I love when people choose to share their stories with me. He and his wife and their friends nearly missed boarding, so they were all split up. Lucky me, he was so pleasant. He also suggested, after getting to me a little bit, that I should write as well. But what to write? I just have no idea. I know that I love it, but I don’t know what interests people that I have the knowledge to write about. I can write about my experience, that’s all I got. Maybe it’ll be enough someday. I just find it more than coincidence that I continue to hear that from people in my life.

I just want one thing in my life that is mine, ya know? One thing about me that makes me, me. Everything that I do right now is shared by at least one of my family members or friends. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Having said that – what makes me, me? Is it writing? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m in a spot where everything is somewhat up in the air – I think that’s probably a good place to be. It means anything can happen, and I like that idea.

I’m in Fort Lauderdale. The views are incredible. While I will admit, staying on the Gulf side is better for sunsets, I’m quite excited about seeing the sunrise tomorrow morning. The sand is soft and the waves crashing on the shore is mesmerizing. I realize how lucky I am that I have been to so many places and continue to travel. Sometimes I get lonely, especially when couples make up the most of the clientele, however most of the time I relish the solitude. I am more of an independent free spirit than I ever really recognized before. Embracing, owning and honoring that abut myself has been an incredibly rewarding experience.

For now, NCIS is marathoning on USA, which I can watch because I have cable in my hotel room. Fancy. Tomorrow is the World Finals Sand Volleyball Tournament on the beach – along with reading, relaxing, exercising, and just being.

Soak it up.

Friday took forever to get here.

What if what I think is random isn’t so random?

Do you do things you don’t want to do because you know that even if you don’t want to it’s the right thing to do? Adulting.

I am surprised that I am apprehensive to go on vacation tomorrow considering I already traveled alone much further away, but I suppose it’s healthy to be a little afraid. Right? RIGHT?

I am looking forward to reading a lot.

How does one figure out what to write about? Just, generally speaking. Generally.

It’s funny, I see a list of movies that are leaving Netflix and I’m outraged that I didn’t even know some of them were AVAILABLE on Netflix and then I remember I watch the same 2 or 3 shows all the time and consider the fact that maybe I need to branch out more.

If I want to travel internationally again next year, I should start figuring out where I want to go now. Or soon-ish.

Figuring out who I am, what I like and what I want, and learning how to speak up and voice all of that, has been a terrifying and also quite rewarding experience. I get to exercise my right to say yes, and to say no, and deal with whatever the fallout is from those actions. I get to choose. It’s cool. I realize that speaking your mind and saying no when you don’t want to do something or yes when you do may not be new for a lot of people. It is new for me. I’m liking it a lot.

Tattoo in Florida? Mayyyyybe….

It’s a 4 day work week! Woo!

I sorta have a soundtrack to my life, because I obsessively listen to music over and over, and then even when it’s not on I hear it playing in my head. It can be fun. Also annoying. But mostly fun.

I enjoy several varieties of sushi. I don’t mind sharing with other people for a bigger selection. But so help me, if you get a roll that has raw fish in it, I am not giving you one of my hotel cali’s as a trade-off because no. I am not eating raw fish. (Just sayin)

When I try to meditate, i.e. clear my mind of all thoughts, my tinnitus gets louder, and then all I can think about is how loud my tinnitus is, and then wonder why I don’t always hear it or think about it, and then that’s all she wrote. Which is why I like yoga, and painting, and coloring. Because I’m distracted by something enough to not think about the tinnitus but also thoughts that would normally stick in my brain just pass right through.

Jurassic World is a must-see for those of you who enjoy cheesy action movies with a bit of gross and a whole lot of nostalgia. I really enjoyed it. My expectations were not exceptionally high, so I had that going for me. Also, Chris Pratt. ‘Nuff said.

Breakfast food is good at any time of the day or night.

I heard someone say yesterday that no moment is ever the same, and no moment can ever be exactly recreated. So, I’m going to just enjoy where I am and try to stop planning for a future I can’t predict, and stop dwelling on a past that cannot change and cannot be duplicated. Accept, enjoy, relax.

I’ve been holding out on redeeming my points work because I wanted to get enough to get another year of Netflix for free. So I got enough, and it turns out they don’t offer that anymore! I’m going to have to become a paying member next year! Sad day. (I get that it’s really cheap, but still)

So, if I’ve done the calculations correctly, I have 3 more classes after this semester, then my Kirkpatrick series which is 9 credit hours, and then I’m done with my degree! This has been a long time coming.

What is it about grandmas? They always want to give you food and candy, even if they’re not your grandma. It must be something that happens to the brain as it ages, where it automatically assumes that people under 50 are not eating enough, therefore they must be sent home with food.

Happy Monday.