Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

What a hiatus!

I have not been around these parts in a minute! I’ve been using another medium to blog about some things near and dear that I don’t necessarily need everyone to know about but have to work through. With that, plus school, meetings, work, standing appointments, choir, orchestra, and dating, I’ve been incredibly busy.

Crazy how life gets good isn’t it?

Have you ever taken into consideration the random articles found on the roadways? I’m curious. I mentioned this on my Facebook, seeing a random shoe in the median. The responses were varied – some wondered, like me, if a person was so angry that throwing a shoe out of the window was the only natural response. Others thought that perhaps something terrible happened. One person said a ‘friend of hers’ thought that it was proof of an alien abduction. But I mean, I have seen some weird things on the roadside. Baby seat. Couch. Couch cushion. Bookshelf. Shoe. Backpack. I can’t imagine that all of these things bounced out of the back of a truck.

Sometimes I look at pictures of space, and of Earth, and of our Universe and I just get overwhelmed. Does that ever happen to you with anything? I just think about our planets in orbit around the sun, and how incredible it is that such a thing exists at all, and how so many things happen in such a big world that is actually tiny in comparison to the solar system it resides in while hurtling through space. Sometimes it’s a challenge for me to wrap my mind around the god thing, but when I think of all this, I’m convinced that the name doesn’t matter – there’s something out there bigger than me and I’m grateful.

Think about weather, and tides, and how plants and humans help each other out, and tell me that it wasn’t by design. Now look, I’m a firm believer in science and I’m not saying that the world was created in “7 days” by a supreme being. I don’t think there’s a puppet master pulling strings. What I am saying is that it isn’t just coincidence that humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, and that plants absorb carbon dioxide and emit oxygen. That’s one of many examples that I could provide, but I think at this point I’m starting to ramble. It’s just powerful stuff.

I’m *this* close to home-ownership again! Also *this* close to being done with class for the semester. Orchestra concert was Sunday and went off well. I had a few people in the audience this time which was pretty cool. Choir concert is in a month. Closing date for the house would be in a month. I’m dating a neat guy. I’m doing personal training at the gym, I’m sponsoring a gal who seems to really be trying, I’m participating in service commitments…

Basically what I’m saying is I’m so busy I think that sometimes I skate by on adrenaline and caffeine alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I have a few friends who openly protest Thanksgiving, stating that America is celebrating genocide of the Native American population, and I know there are many others who believe that way. Lots of protests by Native American tribes take place on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, many Native Americans are supportive of Thanksgiving, as the main purpose of the day is to give thanks to whatever you believe in for the things we have in life. I think initially it was a day of thanks for the first successful harvest. Of course, there are those who will say history has been changed and what the books say does not accurately reflect what really happened. I guess we’ll never know for sure.What I love is that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. As long as you don’t force your beliefs on me, we’re good.

That being said, I love Thanksgiving, with all of the drama of trying to get the food prepared at the same time, making sure the potatoes aren’t too lumpy or too smooth. I swear, someday I’m going to master what ‘until it looks right’ means when my mom tells me to add milk to the potatoes. I like looking at ads at what I’d buy if I had all the money in the world or the bravery to try to shop on Black Friday. I like having football on the TV while we nap, going to the meeting, playing games, eating pie. What I really want to do that I have never done is see the lighting ceremony in our downtown area. I am hoping I can this year. I’ve been here 30 years and never experienced it. I mean I’ve seen the lights. I just haven’t seen them light up for the first time. Ya get me.

Wow. This thing is all over the place. Well, kinda like my brain I guess. You’re welcome.

Vaca brain

Do you believe in personality quizzes? Have you ever taken any and thought wow, that is spot on? I have. When I answer truthfully I am always surprised at how accurate my results can be. Is it because you see what you want to see in the results? I dunno. Interesting though.

If you could go anywhere alone, where would you go? I’m going to Florida this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited. I love traveling alone. I’m looking forward to ocean views and sand beneath my feet, and doing what I want, when I want.

Looking forward to some meditation and reading this weekend, along with some tasty foods and great photo ops. Now to find my camera…

It’s tattoo time, speaking of doing what I want when I want. I know, I’m ridiculous. I just love them so.

Do you ever think about how many different people there are in the world and how differently they all live their lives and perceive the things around them? Like, it’s no wonder communication is difficult. I love figuring out how people communicate and the mirroring it back to them. I just don’t know what to do with that skill set.

If you could be told what your purpose in life was, would you want to hear? I would.

Getting ahead on homework is a great feeling especially with a vaca coming up. So long suckers!

I’m really ready for the beach.

I love hobbies.

Can you imagine what it was like to discover the universe? I mean, to figure out that something in space was actually another planet, or to figure out the sun was the center of the universe? That we were actually moving around the sun and not the other way around? I wonder what it was like back then.

Hey! Conningsby! Come take a look through this telescope chap, and tell me what you see! By jove, it’s a planet I tell you!

Look I’m just saying it’d definitely be a life altering moment. If I had the smarts, I’d do science stuff. Space is fascinating guys.

Road workers have the most terrifying jobs. Ok maybe not most, but they’re up there. Driving home last night, watching guys put cones out on the INTERSTATE while people were flying around them going way too fast, I just pondered how absolutely terrifying it’d be to do that job. I also realized I had never seen them in the process of blocking off lanes.

I walked away from the house – the inspection was just awful. Too many big things to fix. It was sad, but I feel better about the decision today. So, back to the search.

I have actually felt an inspiration to paint something, which I’ve not had yet, or acknowledged at least. I’m looking forward to doing it, I just don’t know WHEN.

I’ve found that pictures hanging in my cubicle make me hate it less. I wonder if there’s a limit on how many personal items we can have at our desk. I have a handful, at least. I’ve never heard anything of the sort here, but at other big companies I have had friends who had to clear off personal items. Which I think is just ridiculous. Especially when we have no windows. If I have a troll with neon pink hair to keep me company on my desk, why should anyone care? (I don’t have one, but that’d be pretty sweet).

I got a guitar from my uncle to play for a while – I can’t wait. Hearing the strings, feeling them beneath my fingers, that full, rich sound, there’s nothing like it. I’m terribly out of practice, but the point is just to play. It’ll come back to me.

I’m sad to see summer go but I am ready for boots, hoodies and leaves crunching under my feet. Fall is my favorite. Just don’t think too much about what comes after fall. Stay in the moment, it’s much more fun.

Apple Cinnamon Cheerios are a close second

In this day and age, where everyone has a camera and filters and everyone fancies themselves a photographer, is it a silly dream to want to be one? Not just a mediocre one, but a good one? Is it silly at 30 to finish one degree and start another that is completely different?

How is it that a plant can grow without soil?

It’s really true what they say, silence can absolutely be golden.

When you think about the universe, is it something that scares you or excites you?

I saw a truck on the interstate today that was carrying burial tombs. Not caskets. Like, full on tombs, decorated to the hilt. I didn’t even know there was a market for such a thing.

I feel like I’m wasting my life behind a desk doing a job that anyone could do, not really doing anything to benefit anyone else. It’s infuriating, to a degree, to realize that if I left, my presence would not be missed here. My circle of influence, for lack of a better term, is quite limited.

HyVee delivers groceries. It was a monumental day in my life once discovered. Yes, I used it. Yes, it was worth $4.95. Yes, I’ll do it again. I’m saving money by not going out to eat all the time, and I’ve got a variety of choices. It’s nice.

Sometimes people at work communicate in such a way that initially makes me bristle. Then I remember that it really doesn’t matter.

Golden Grahams might be the best cereal ever.

Space is fascinating.

So, I was thinking yesterday. Well, I think all the time. But yesterday I got to thinking about dreams, and lately I’ve been contemplating the whole creator of the universe thing, and what I believe, and I haven’t really figured out anything concrete there. But it made me consider parallel universes, which, to be honest (in my opinion) it would be really arrogant and small-minded to think we’re the only planet in infinity to have life on it. I mean, infinity is, by definition, unable to be measured. It goes forever. So, it would make logical sense to me anyway that there is a better than even chance that somewhere out there is another planet like this one. So THEN (stay with me here) I got to thinking about those dreams that I have that feel SO real that when I wake up I’m sure they happened, only to find out they didn’t. I’m not talking about dreams where ya know, you’re riding around a chocolate river on a giant swan named Clem. Like, where you’re in a situation and you make a different choice. OR when you’re going about your day and you have a feeling of deja vu – maybe that’s just a glimpse into one of those parallel universes. I dunno. I can get pretty out there. It’s just amazing to think about.

Woo boy. I’m sure you all think I’m pretty crazy now, if you didn’t before. That’s ok. I manage to appear somewhat normal some of the time.

Speaking of the universe, did you hear about Pluto? It’s AWESOME.

So. Much. Detail.

I tried making my workspace more ergonomically friendly yesterday. So, I put my monitors up on boxes and raised my chair up. I dunno if that’ll make a difference, but it freed up some desk space. So, I’ve got that going for me.

I haven’t been to the gym since Thursday and I really don’t like that I can’t go until tomorrow. But, Sing Omaha Women’s choir had a performance about 1.5 hours away from home last night and we rocked. The acoustics in the room were pretty outstanding. Just a very long day.

Do you ever look at the sunrise or sunset and think about the fact that the sun isn’t rising or setting at all? The earth is moving, not the sun. So, by words, the sun isn’t rising or setting at all. I mean, the sun is moving, because we’re all rocketing through space. But, you know what I mean.

It’s hot everywhere and I get that. I was combating that by hanging out poolside on Sunday, and I got cooked to a crisp. So now I’m combating sunburn and heat by wearing dresses to work. No, random person in the hallway, I do not have an interview. I have a strong desire to not put on pants. TMI? Well? You brought it up.

It’s my Thursday.

I have a daily reprieve from acting like a jerk. Contingent upon reaching out to the universe and asking for a little guidance and support. My days go better when I ask. But when I’m in a terrible mental condition, my ability to be judgmental and insensitive increases exponentially. I don’t like to be that way. When I am that way, whatever I’m being judgmental about is usually something that I’m insecure about within myself. It is always a reflection of something I am lacking that needs to change. The ability to amend bad behavior and be aware of what I’m doing and to recognize that I get to choose how I act going forward is a freedom in itself because I don’t have to be chained to my own negativity. I can be positive, and not let what others do or say affect my mood. Slowly but surely, this becomes truer in my life.

Everyone has value. Including me.

I found pictures from Seattle and now I really want to go back. (I also kinda miss my long hair when I see those pictures)

Donuts are just little pieces of heaven. Man, why are they so good? And SO terrible for you?

Yoga has become something I really look forward to every week. I would love to incorporate more than one class a week into my schedule. I feel more centered and right with the world and the higher power working in my life after class than after any other time.

Ireland is coming up and I’m starting to panic about the little things like ya know, getting from the city to the B&B, wondering if they’ll be nice to me, questioning how much cab rides are really going to be, pondering if I’ve saved enough money or if I’ll have to put some things on credit, will I meet people, what will I learn, where will I love the most, how am I going to get to the tour stop at 7:40 am, etc. Then I think about like, what to do for 11 hours on a plane. I need a new book or two. Mostly I’m excited though. I think it’s probably normal and a little logical to be questioning those kinds of things. Right?

Did I mention already that I got a new bike seat and pedals with straps? Going for another bike ride tomorrow – pretty excited.

Is there some habit that you’d like to change in your life? I always hunch my shoulders. I carry so much tension in my neck and my upper back that I would really like to stop doing that. I’m working on it.

Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week and then I’m taking a trip to Minnesota to unplug. Just a couple of days, but I’m looking forward to it.

Rollercoaster

The human ability to feel multiple emotions at one time is baffling to me. Stop. Just stop it.

I could not work as a promotions person at a cable company, or anywhere else for that matter. No, I don’t want your bundle package with “free” HBO price protected for 40 dollars a month for 12 months. To pat my own back, I did let her complete her delivery before I politely explained that I’m the only person in my home and I don’t watch cable. Of course came the second attempt at a smaller deal for less money. To which I again replied, no thank you. It takes tenacity that I just don’t have. Sales. I am not cut out for it.

You ever get that feeling where physically you know you’re hungry but mentally there is no desire to eat? It doesn’t happen to me very often because, quite frankly, I love food. But that’s where I am today. I know I have a terrible headache because I have had no food or drink since I woke up 5 hours ago, but ugh.

Speaking of food and water – for any Marvel fan out there, please explain something to me if possible. Does Heimdall ever get a break to eat/drink/sleep/potty? I mean, the dude watches over all 9 realms. He’s got special abilities that let him do so. Do those abilities extend to the toilet? Or to dreams? If not, who else is qualified to take over that job while he gets a little shut eye?

When having a bad day, there is something about seeing my mom or dad that allows me to not be strong and just have a cry about it. I’m grateful that my relationship with my parents is such that I am able to do so. I know that is not the case for everyone.

Having a Monster in place of a meal is probably not a good idea, eh?

How does someone steal my credit card information when I have the card on me? Who uses said credit card at a petrol station in the UK for $1.55? I mean, is that the pre-auth charge for a tank of petrol? To credit Capital One, that happened this morning and they put my account on lock down almost immediately. I had two fraudulent transactions worth less than $5. Fist bump Capital One fraud department.

Apparently I had confused or combined RoboCop and Terminator, because I thought RoboCop was a bad guy. (he’s not)

I am reminded that my health plan at work sucks when the doctor suggests I get a CT scan for my head, and I choose to pass because my deductible is so high that I’m unwilling to pay for it. It took me a week before I finally admitted I might need to go to the doctor after an injury! They did the manual test in the office and everything was fine, so I’m fine. I’m still paying off the balance from my bout with the flu last year that left me in the hospital for three days. #grownupproblems

This line from Desiderata gets me every time. It’s on my wall at work and I try to read it daily.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

This Moment

Just how little sleep can an adult function properly on?

I think inspiring someone is pretty cool.

Why is it that when I start to experience a bit of serenity and a quiet mind, my brain decides to go into overdrive and identify some inconsequential question and begins to worry about it?

I’ve found that when I get like that, I can either choose to continue down that path of needless worry and indulge in my fear of the unknown, setting myself up for a terrible day, or, I can remind myself every time the question comes up (because it will be often throughout the day) that the answer does not matter, that knowing is not necessary, and that my day does not have to be dictated or controlled by one thought.

Sometimes, that is serious work.

It’s a great feeling to be genuinely happy for someone else’s joy. No envy or misplaced jealousy, no feeling of being slighted, just happiness for their happiness.

What’s it like to live where mountains, city, ocean and forest are a stone’s throw away from each other? Seriously. I don’t mind where I live, I’ve been here my whole life and my entire support system is here. But there are a lot of places I’d like to go and spend time. I love nature and being outside – its a way for me to connect with the universe.

How is it that time goes so slowly at the office and so quickly at home?

When did people first start writing comic strips? Were they scribbled out haphazardly and hidden away hundreds of years ago? I don’t see any ancient ‘Funnies’ being restored.

I have had to alternate between heat and air at my house because I can’t open the windows due to excessive noise from the highway. And the airplanes. I mean I could, but it’s so loud. Like, so loud. Definitely can’t sleep with the windows open, which is too bad. Although, considering the allergens in the air this year, maybe I’m better off.

Why do I hate doing laundry so much? Because it’s never ending? Because I have to wait for things to dry before I can make progress so it takes forever? I have no clue. I seriously can’t stand it though.

I used to think I had all this wisdom to share with the world. Little nuggets of truth that I’d learned that you’d read and it would just be like “BOOM”  life-changing moment. I don’t think that anymore. What I’ve come to realize is I really don’t know a whole lot about much. Not that I’m not intelligent. I believe I’m fairly smart, and can hold intelligent conversation about a plethora of topics at length. What I mean is, when it comes to life things, I’m constantly learning more.

I was told that the way I attack life is great. It made me thing about how I actually attack life. Sideways, mostly. I do what I have to so that I can do what I want to. It doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time, or that I’m feeling particularly fulfilled, or that I don’t want for something more or different. I’m just trying to let go of what I think I want in the future so that whatever’s out there for me can happen. Does that make sense? I don’t know. I just know that in high school and college I wanted the husband, 2 kids, dog, white picket fence, career, car, and the like. Now I’m almost 30 and I don’t have a husband, or kids, I have 2 cats, no picket fence, a decent job and a car that I can trust. So, 2 out of 6. And ya know, I’m pretty content, all things considered. It’s just interesting to me the way things seem to unfold in my life. And looking back, if I had gotten what I thought I wanted at 21 or 22, I’m not sure how happy I would’ve been. I guess I’m just feeling gratitude today for where I am. Today. Right now. Not worrying about where I’ve been or where I’m going. Just being glad for the moment.

Right now, the moment is pretty spectacular.

Life

Remember how I’m trying to grow a plant in my cubicle? I know it’s only been a week but I’m not seeing any roots yet and fear that Arty is not going to make it. Cross your fingers.

How is it that I can completely forget events going on that I’ve been preparing for months for? My orchestra concert is this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! Tonight is my last orchestra rehearsal! That’s kinda sad. I’m grateful for the experience though. It’s been wonderful.

Who thought trampolines were a good idea, ever? I mean really? They’re death traps. (I may or may not have injured myself on one yesterday) My point is – what was the original purpose of a trampoline? Who decided it would be a good idea to stretch that material on springs and jump on it? I’m guessing for science. But I do not know.

Do people who have automatic lights on their cars just assume that if they don’t come on automatically they aren’t necessary? It’s been rainy and gloomy here all week. Turn on your lights people. I pulled out onto a main street thinking I had all kinds of time only to see a camouflaged car at the last second. I had to hit the gas like mad, in the rain, over train tracks. I checked my rear-view a few times and they finally turned their lights on about 2 blocks down the road. Seriously?

Why is it that I struggle with asking people to come support me in the things that I am passionate about? I always feel like it’s an inconvenience or that I shouldn’t be proud of what I’m doing. That has to be something deep within myself, something about people pleasing that I don’t want to invite people to come to my performances because I don’t want to take the chance that they might not enjoy it or they might get bored. Which is dumb, because I’ve gone to things I didn’t want to go to in the spirit of supporting the people I care about. Why shouldn’t I give other people the opportunity to do the same? Life is challenging.

So in the movie Avatar (which I may or may not have watched last night) I am curious, did Jake’s human body get tired while he was running around in his Na’vi body? Or were they completely separate? I mean I know he needed to sleep after, but was he physically exhausted? (note: I had forgotten how good that movie was) Did you know they’re making a sequel? Split into 3 movies? I KNOW. It’s very exciting.

Also, I love the idea of energy flowing through all things, and the line in the movie about how everything is made up of borrowed energy…

“She talks about a network of energy that flows through all living things. All energy is only borrowed. And one day you have to give it back.”

I think that’s a beautiful way to view the universe.