Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

Friday.

Sometimes when I drive, I have something in my passenger seat like a card or a book, or something else trivial that I certainly don’t need while I’m paying attention to the road, and I’ll make a turn, and said item will go flying off the seat and I react as if it’s fallen into some abyss never to be seen again. Usually grumbling some profanity at the same time. I did this the other day and realized what an overreaction it was. Like, it’ll be there when I park the car.

I’m finding tattoo ideas quicker than I can save money to get them.

Going with the car theme, sneezing in the car is one of the most terrifying things ever. I mean, I know that your eyes only close for half a second, but a lot can happen in a half a second! And there’s NO control over it.

I was surprised to hear that someone is inspired by me. It is flattering, and it’s an honor, but I immediately wonder why. I just imagine all the things that make me so so awkward. I trip over myself constantly, I suffer from crippling self-doubt and insecurity, sometimes I stutter on the phone when I’m trying to run a call and I have a knack for letting things go bad in the fridge. I take an excessive amount of pictures of my cats and I listen to the same music and watch the same shows/movies over and over. I spend an inappropriate amount of time in Walgreen’s trying to decide on new body wash and have almost no impulse control when it comes to Amazon online shopping. I’m just saying. I’m grateful that we as people see things in others that they don’t often see.

When someone says, you really look like you need to have that cup of coffee, is that a veiled way of saying good lord you look tired? I think it might be. That’s ok, it’s probably true. Also, I do need this cup of coffee.

Doing laundry yesterday, I was so proud of myself for getting everything in one load that I didn’t think about whether or not I should’ve. Folding it will be a nightmare. Notice I said will be, because I certainly didn’t do it yesterday.

Sometimes when I hear people sigh, I wonder if it’s a sigh because they’re frustrated, or angry, or remembering something fondly, or if they just really needed to take a big deep breath. I sometimes take deep breaths because it feels good to breathe in as deeply as I can and exhale audibly. I can’t help it. It feels nice. You should try it.

Isn’t it amazing how a person can be in the periphery of your life, and then all of a sudden, they radiate so brightly that you can’t help but notice who they are and what they do and how they make you feel? Friend, coworker, significant other, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes a person just illuminates my life, and I’m tuned in enough these days to notice when they shine. I think that’s wonderful.

I am getting closer to perfecting the pan-cooked steak. I know.

A new project is like Christmas

I’m incredibly indecisive. That being said, I’ve been mulling over redoing my bedroom for some time now. I am just over the blue/brown palette I’ve used for oh…ever. So, I bought this painting:

Now, I can pick color based on that piece of artwork rather than guessing. Also, it opens up opportunities for colored accent furniture and the like, which translates to: I’ll be painting the furniture I already have because we all know I’m not buying new when I can redo old. I’m pretty excited about it.

It’s interesting to learn that I don’t like foods I once craved like mad.

My friends threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. Caught me completely off guard and was pretty outstanding. It’s nice to be reminded of the gifts I have today. My friends are awesome.

I walked right into a spider web this morning, half awake in my pajamas, stumbling outside to try to capture a picture of the sunrise off my deck. It was one of those moments where I kinda hoped someone saw me and laughed, because it was straight out of a movie. Luckily, the spider remained on his web over the door. Clearly, I don’t go out back much. The picture turned out ok though, so there’s that. (I ran inside and slammed the door like the scaredy-cat I am)

I have to figure out how to use the sander this weekend. I’ve only had it for a year…

If a guy reaches out to me on Facebook and says that he saw one of my posts from earlier in the week and sends me an article related to that post, is that flirting? Or just being nice? I can’t tell. To be honest, he could say “I think you’re really cute and I’d like to take you out” and I’d still probably ask him if he was sure.

I’m not a doctor! (Not relevant)

It was legitimately cool last night. In July! That’s crazy talk.

I’ve got at least 2 unfinished projects I’d like to complete before school starts in August. They’re not difficult, I don’t know why I don’t just do them. Procrastination! *sigh*

I got flowers at work today! I can’t remember if I’ve ever gotten flowers at the office before. I don’t think I have. They smell great, they’re beautiful, and I’m so grateful. My parents are the coolest.

So, I was thinking about Interstellar, when they *spoiler* go to the planet where Matt Damon is and start preparing to colonize it. He talks about the surface below. And I just wondered, why the hell wouldn’t he be living on said surface? Why didn’t that trip any flags for those guys? Desperation? Perhaps. Still love that movie though.

Speaking of movies with Matt Damon and space, I saw the preview for Martian and it looks really good. I’ll be seeing that.

Push-ups are no joke. The exercise, not the dessert. Although…

Trying to relearn everything I know about food is crazy. Planning trips to the grocery store and rethinking what to eat at each meal is proving to be a challenge. I’m up for it, but it’s a lot to handle.

I’m grateful today that I know I never have to be alone. There was a time in my life when it felt like I was in a big dark cave, unable to see the walls and the ceiling because it was so dark, and lonely, and isolated. I’m so glad my life is full today. I have some of the best friends and family I could ever have, which is more than I deserve. I am shown every day how lucky I am. I know I got all sappy – I’ll try to get back to regular programming.

I think I have 3 separate piles of clothes that need addressing at my house. One needs folded, one needs ‘fluffed’ and one needs washed. I feel like I’ve been behind ever since I’ve been back. Maybe this weekend I’ll catch up. *please note, this is said with extreme optimism*

Help.

I have two big pet peeves at work. Ready? 1) fingernail clipping. That is clearly a grooming issue that should be addressed at home. I get the occasional hangnail, but every finger? Come on. 2) Loud ringtones of pop songs. Look, I get it. My ringtone is the theme to Harry Potter. I’m a big dork, just like everyone else. But it’s hard for a VP to take me seriously if Katy Perry’s Roar plays full blast while I’m on the phone.

I have colored pencils and a therapy coloring book at home – it’s a great way to unplug and decompress. Highly recommend.

Hollabackatcha

How does one decide to go into the wig business? Ya don’t see wig stores very often, do you? I don’t. Is it a family business?

There is haze in my town, in the Midwest, from wildfires in Canada. That’s pretty crazy.

Snapchat is so dumb yet I love it so much. I get goofy pictures from my friends throughout the day that break up an otherwise potentially boring/stressful/monotonous day.

Venus and Jupiter are putting on a show tonight. You should check it out. Space is cool.

I wish there were a trial period for new pillows. Like, hey, this looked good in the store, but 2 days with it and my neck feels like death. But no, I tried returning a pillow and was declined. So, I have a growing assortment of decorative pillows because of the fails that I’ve tried.

It is getting outta control. (Note: this is a google image and not my actual pillow pile)

Sometimes, like today, my coffee needs coffee.

You ever look at your calendar and think, man this month looks pretty open, and then 3 days later there are things going on like, every day? I’m glad school doesn’t start until the end of August. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful my life is full. But the struggle after work between napping and the gym is real. (I brought gym clothes with me to work to combat having to go home to change and falling on the couch instead, however I’m debating.)

Coming in to the office and complaining before your ass hits your seat is generally not a great way to start the day, for anyone. #headphonesforthewin

I drove the nicest BMW this weekend. And now I know what my goal is for my next vehicle.

Sometimes adulting is lame – I want to run through the sprinklers and eat pb & j wrapped in a towel with grass in my feet. (I get that I can do that, but I want to do it right now, rather than be at work, see, there’s the dilemma)

Cereal is one of the best things ever.

I read an article yesterday about 15 things grocery stores do to trap you there and make you spend more money, only fueling my hatred of the grocery store.

I’m finally joining this century and purchasing a blu-ray player with wi-fi access. Meaning I can go from my Roku and DVD player to one device that does all streaming, DVD and Blu-Ray in one spot. Next purchase will be new surround sound. And someday, a newer TV. One thing at a time.

My title is a Psych reference. Just, for the record.

Thunderstorms are the best alarm clock.

My trip was empowering. I came back with some self-respect, so that’s new. I dig it.

So it’s mid-week back at work. I’ve been busy, clearly, but I’ve also been to work early. I think I had an almost imperceptible mind-shift regarding life in general.

James Horner died in a plane crash this week. It is a huge loss to the world – he wrote beautiful music. I have many of his in my collection – Avatar and Braveheart and Field of Dreams, An American Tale, The Land Before Time (one of my favs), Glory, The Man Without a Face, of course Titanic, Hocus Pocus, Apollo 13, Jumanji, and so so many others. It was shocking when I heard. He will truly be missed. He definitely left a legacy.

What is it about working out that is so great? I just love it. I also love cookies, so…

It still amazes me that one small thing can cause a flood of memories and a punch in the heart region. I try really hard to just move past that nostalgia – it’s easy to remember things through rose-colored glasses and forget the not-so-great times.

It’s also easy to feel lonely when someone you used to spend time with has found someone new. (Don’t forget, you may see me as an independent world-traveler with amazing friends and family and several hobbies that I enjoy, but I’m also a girl who wants to share her life with someone)

Moving on – I’m trying to decide where my next trip is going to be. Yes, of course I am. Greece? Not until they figure out their whole economic situation. Australia? Sydney maybe – always wanted to go there too. (Crocodile Dundee was a staple in my childhood) I’d love to go to Portugal, and of course Scotland/England/Wales. Clearly I want to go to all the places. Maybe I should stay stateside and just go to southern California or Maine. Both places I have never been but want to see. All in good time.

Who was the one that figured out how to fold two sheets and two pillow cases into a little rectangle for convenient packaging? Seriously. It’s like voodoo.

Seriously.

Someone compared their brain to a Rubik’s cube last night and I have to say I totally relate.

My cat chases my shadow and I find it quite hilarious. I’ll have to post a video sometime. I try to think of things to make me smile when I am thinking negatively and that one usually does the trick. Also, Avengers.

Ya know, also, I’m getting real tired of letting people make me feel stupid. I get to choose how I react to things. I don’t like being demeaned, as no one probably does. The difference is I don’t have to tolerate being treated that way, by anyone. I just have to figure out how to react with assertion and not aggression or defense.

Kind of a weird, all over post today. But that’s just where I am.

One more note, if you like movie soundtracks as I clearly do, check out Many Beautiful Things – the soundtrack is by Sleeping At Last and it’s fabulous.

Check it out.

This post is a good example of my brain = Rubik’s cube.

It’s amazing

I got more likes on a post with a content than a post I put a lot of work into.

When I hit publish there was text here, I swear. I’m sure i managed to do something to snarl it up. I’ll try again. Be patient, blogging from my phone is a pain.

So, I’ve now been to Dublin, Cork, and Killarney. Been to the city centers and the countryside. I’ve seen The Hill of Tara, Trim Castle, Loughcrew, Monasterboice, Drogheda, St. Andrews Church, O’Connell Street, Trinity College, Kinsale, Charles Fort, and the mouth of the Atlantic. I’ve met wonderful people, fed horses apples, been showered with puppy love, walked so far my legs felt those pinpricks when I finally reached my destination, and slept like a rock.

This truly has been an amazing trip and there is still so much ahead of me! I’m incredibly lucky and grateful each day that I’m here, that I saved money so I don’t have to worry about cash (even though actually getting that cash is a pain) and that I’m connected back home with technology.

Killarney so far is the most beautiful city, but the bed and breakfast in Balinhassig outside of Cork has been the best place I’ve stayed. Sweetest hostess with homemade strawberry rhubarb pie to greet me after a long day of travel, 4 dogs, 5 horses, and Billy the pony. Animals fill my cup, and I was loved by the dogs on a day when I was incredibly homesick. Also, the views were amazing.

Billy the pony.

Today is Dingle Bay and Slea Head. 7 hour tour, then dinner in the city center, maybe a ghost tour of the city or maybe another walk back to the bed and breakfast. I love that I can really do whatever I want. It’s really nice.

There is a lot to post, but I smell breakfast and my stomach is now awake. So, more later.

10 Days Left.

My parents are incredibly kind, supportive, gracious and loving. I’m lucky, and I am reminded of that on a regular basis. I know this is not the first time I have mentioned that (it won’t be the last).

Yesterday was shoulders and back at the gym. Plus cardio. I drag my feet to get there but always feel great when I leave. I wonder what we’ll do today – legs I hope.

Thunderstorms might be one of my favorite things. It’s funny, as a little one I’d crawl into my parents bed during storms. When I got too old to do that, I’d hide in the closet, going so far as to bring my pillow and blanket in there to sleep. One time, at 11 years old we went to South Dakota over the summer. We were in the mountains, and a storm came up, and I hid on the floor of the backseat under a blanket. Today, I sit outside and watch. I mean, I can still get rattled. But I don’t hide in the closet anymore.

I think breakfast food is the best food. As the wise Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec) once stated: “There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.” Wise words.

I don’t know about you, but I have dialogue with myself each night when I get into bed. Usually I just go over all the things I need to do, want to do, or didn’t think of all day while my mind was occupied with other things. Last night it occurred to me that I want to do yoga while in Ireland, I have an irrational fear of over-packing, and of looking like I don’t belong. I weighed the pros and cons of a hiking backpack vs. rolling luggage, whether or not I should return the $100 hiking shoes I bought and just take a chance with my sturdy Asics, and then had to talk myself out of thinking and try to force myself to sleep. Needless to say, (but I’m saying it anyway) I’m a bit tired.

I’m not afraid of crime in Ireland really. I’ve got a good deal of common sense and am aware of my surroundings. Still, I’m not going to put myself in a position where I’ll be alone on a bus late at night. (Common sense, see?) I’m not a plan-to-the-minute type person, but a general idea would be good. (Yoga at lunchtime, tours in the morning, etc). There I go again – it’s easy to do!

Well, it’s already Thursday. So, there’s that.

Kick Monday’s Ass

I’ve been away for a few days. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that my life gets so busy that I hardly have time to think straight! Then, when I do have time over the weekend, I’m usually in the company of someone else, and the last thing I want to do at that point is plug back into my computer. I stare at a screen a lot during the week, so weekend posting is hit and miss, for sure.

Why is driving in the rain so exhausting? I love the sound of rain, sitting on the porch or in my house, but pounding on the exterior of my car it becomes quite annoying.

Words have the ability to cut a person down or build them up. Even the tone of how words are said can be a determining factor in how they are perceived by others. I have to remember that. Words are powerful. I still remember kind, and mean, things that were said to me as far back as 2nd grade, so ya know, I need to be conscious of my words and choose them carefully.

I wish that I could capture a moment in time in my brain and freeze frame it forever. Wouldn’t that be a cool superpower? I mean, I have memories that I can look back on but they always fade or become more challenging to pull up because of all the life I continue to live.

I wonder what it is like to go to work every day doing what you’re passionate about. I know several people who wake up and are thrilled to go in to work. It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. I just, ya know those people who are like, I was born to do this. And they do it and they get paid for it? Lucky.

What is it about a made bed that makes me feel like I’ve got my life together?

It amazes me that the whole weekend is over already. It was such a whirlwind. Constantly moving, which isn’t a bad thing.

Choir concert last night with Ola Gjelo was great. Far drive in the rain two days in a row, but it was a fun performance. On that note (see what I did there, with the pun?) choir rehearsal was cancelled for tonight and I’m a little bit excited about having a night to get some things done around the house, without having to leave for anything.

It also amazes me that I can be excited for a night to get my house cleaned and food cooked for the week. Clearly, I like to live on the edge.

People in this world can do outstanding things. Trying to focus on that rather than all the calamity in the world helps me to stay positive. Not that I want to be ignorant or uninformed, but I don’t want the world to drag me down.

Why does one side of the nose get clogged and when does the body decide it’s time to switch sides and how does that decision get made? Like, ok left nostril, you’ve put in your work for the morning, it’s time for everything to switch sides. Congestion, retreat to the alternate side and resume your business. What? I don’t get that.

I want a big bowl of creamy chicken alfredo pasta. I want to eat every bite without feeling guilty. Since that will never, ever happen, what I’ll do is not that. But man, it is definitely one of my favorite things. (Mmm food)

I also really enjoy napping. I managed to sneak in a 20 minute nap on Saturday, which was refreshing enough to get through the next portion of the day, but I adore falling asleep on the couch for an hour. It’s bad when I wake up in the morning and within the first few minutes of stretching and making my bed, start thinking about how great it will be to nap. I used to nap to escape, but now I nap because I’m up enjoying my life so much that I’ll take sleep when I can get it. (word)

My life is really, really good today. And I can see how good it is, and I’m grateful for that.

Life

Remember how I’m trying to grow a plant in my cubicle? I know it’s only been a week but I’m not seeing any roots yet and fear that Arty is not going to make it. Cross your fingers.

How is it that I can completely forget events going on that I’ve been preparing for months for? My orchestra concert is this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! Tonight is my last orchestra rehearsal! That’s kinda sad. I’m grateful for the experience though. It’s been wonderful.

Who thought trampolines were a good idea, ever? I mean really? They’re death traps. (I may or may not have injured myself on one yesterday) My point is – what was the original purpose of a trampoline? Who decided it would be a good idea to stretch that material on springs and jump on it? I’m guessing for science. But I do not know.

Do people who have automatic lights on their cars just assume that if they don’t come on automatically they aren’t necessary? It’s been rainy and gloomy here all week. Turn on your lights people. I pulled out onto a main street thinking I had all kinds of time only to see a camouflaged car at the last second. I had to hit the gas like mad, in the rain, over train tracks. I checked my rear-view a few times and they finally turned their lights on about 2 blocks down the road. Seriously?

Why is it that I struggle with asking people to come support me in the things that I am passionate about? I always feel like it’s an inconvenience or that I shouldn’t be proud of what I’m doing. That has to be something deep within myself, something about people pleasing that I don’t want to invite people to come to my performances because I don’t want to take the chance that they might not enjoy it or they might get bored. Which is dumb, because I’ve gone to things I didn’t want to go to in the spirit of supporting the people I care about. Why shouldn’t I give other people the opportunity to do the same? Life is challenging.

So in the movie Avatar (which I may or may not have watched last night) I am curious, did Jake’s human body get tired while he was running around in his Na’vi body? Or were they completely separate? I mean I know he needed to sleep after, but was he physically exhausted? (note: I had forgotten how good that movie was) Did you know they’re making a sequel? Split into 3 movies? I KNOW. It’s very exciting.

Also, I love the idea of energy flowing through all things, and the line in the movie about how everything is made up of borrowed energy…

“She talks about a network of energy that flows through all living things. All energy is only borrowed. And one day you have to give it back.”

I think that’s a beautiful way to view the universe.