Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

Friday.

Sometimes when I drive, I have something in my passenger seat like a card or a book, or something else trivial that I certainly don’t need while I’m paying attention to the road, and I’ll make a turn, and said item will go flying off the seat and I react as if it’s fallen into some abyss never to be seen again. Usually grumbling some profanity at the same time. I did this the other day and realized what an overreaction it was. Like, it’ll be there when I park the car.

I’m finding tattoo ideas quicker than I can save money to get them.

Going with the car theme, sneezing in the car is one of the most terrifying things ever. I mean, I know that your eyes only close for half a second, but a lot can happen in a half a second! And there’s NO control over it.

I was surprised to hear that someone is inspired by me. It is flattering, and it’s an honor, but I immediately wonder why. I just imagine all the things that make me so so awkward. I trip over myself constantly, I suffer from crippling self-doubt and insecurity, sometimes I stutter on the phone when I’m trying to run a call and I have a knack for letting things go bad in the fridge. I take an excessive amount of pictures of my cats and I listen to the same music and watch the same shows/movies over and over. I spend an inappropriate amount of time in Walgreen’s trying to decide on new body wash and have almost no impulse control when it comes to Amazon online shopping. I’m just saying. I’m grateful that we as people see things in others that they don’t often see.

When someone says, you really look like you need to have that cup of coffee, is that a veiled way of saying good lord you look tired? I think it might be. That’s ok, it’s probably true. Also, I do need this cup of coffee.

Doing laundry yesterday, I was so proud of myself for getting everything in one load that I didn’t think about whether or not I should’ve. Folding it will be a nightmare. Notice I said will be, because I certainly didn’t do it yesterday.

Sometimes when I hear people sigh, I wonder if it’s a sigh because they’re frustrated, or angry, or remembering something fondly, or if they just really needed to take a big deep breath. I sometimes take deep breaths because it feels good to breathe in as deeply as I can and exhale audibly. I can’t help it. It feels nice. You should try it.

Isn’t it amazing how a person can be in the periphery of your life, and then all of a sudden, they radiate so brightly that you can’t help but notice who they are and what they do and how they make you feel? Friend, coworker, significant other, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes a person just illuminates my life, and I’m tuned in enough these days to notice when they shine. I think that’s wonderful.

I am getting closer to perfecting the pan-cooked steak. I know.

What a hiatus!

I have not been around these parts in a minute! I’ve been using another medium to blog about some things near and dear that I don’t necessarily need everyone to know about but have to work through. With that, plus school, meetings, work, standing appointments, choir, orchestra, and dating, I’ve been incredibly busy.

Crazy how life gets good isn’t it?

Have you ever taken into consideration the random articles found on the roadways? I’m curious. I mentioned this on my Facebook, seeing a random shoe in the median. The responses were varied – some wondered, like me, if a person was so angry that throwing a shoe out of the window was the only natural response. Others thought that perhaps something terrible happened. One person said a ‘friend of hers’ thought that it was proof of an alien abduction. But I mean, I have seen some weird things on the roadside. Baby seat. Couch. Couch cushion. Bookshelf. Shoe. Backpack. I can’t imagine that all of these things bounced out of the back of a truck.

Sometimes I look at pictures of space, and of Earth, and of our Universe and I just get overwhelmed. Does that ever happen to you with anything? I just think about our planets in orbit around the sun, and how incredible it is that such a thing exists at all, and how so many things happen in such a big world that is actually tiny in comparison to the solar system it resides in while hurtling through space. Sometimes it’s a challenge for me to wrap my mind around the god thing, but when I think of all this, I’m convinced that the name doesn’t matter – there’s something out there bigger than me and I’m grateful.

Think about weather, and tides, and how plants and humans help each other out, and tell me that it wasn’t by design. Now look, I’m a firm believer in science and I’m not saying that the world was created in “7 days” by a supreme being. I don’t think there’s a puppet master pulling strings. What I am saying is that it isn’t just coincidence that humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, and that plants absorb carbon dioxide and emit oxygen. That’s one of many examples that I could provide, but I think at this point I’m starting to ramble. It’s just powerful stuff.

I’m *this* close to home-ownership again! Also *this* close to being done with class for the semester. Orchestra concert was Sunday and went off well. I had a few people in the audience this time which was pretty cool. Choir concert is in a month. Closing date for the house would be in a month. I’m dating a neat guy. I’m doing personal training at the gym, I’m sponsoring a gal who seems to really be trying, I’m participating in service commitments…

Basically what I’m saying is I’m so busy I think that sometimes I skate by on adrenaline and caffeine alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I have a few friends who openly protest Thanksgiving, stating that America is celebrating genocide of the Native American population, and I know there are many others who believe that way. Lots of protests by Native American tribes take place on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, many Native Americans are supportive of Thanksgiving, as the main purpose of the day is to give thanks to whatever you believe in for the things we have in life. I think initially it was a day of thanks for the first successful harvest. Of course, there are those who will say history has been changed and what the books say does not accurately reflect what really happened. I guess we’ll never know for sure.What I love is that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. As long as you don’t force your beliefs on me, we’re good.

That being said, I love Thanksgiving, with all of the drama of trying to get the food prepared at the same time, making sure the potatoes aren’t too lumpy or too smooth. I swear, someday I’m going to master what ‘until it looks right’ means when my mom tells me to add milk to the potatoes. I like looking at ads at what I’d buy if I had all the money in the world or the bravery to try to shop on Black Friday. I like having football on the TV while we nap, going to the meeting, playing games, eating pie. What I really want to do that I have never done is see the lighting ceremony in our downtown area. I am hoping I can this year. I’ve been here 30 years and never experienced it. I mean I’ve seen the lights. I just haven’t seen them light up for the first time. Ya get me.

Wow. This thing is all over the place. Well, kinda like my brain I guess. You’re welcome.

Grown-up Stuff is Scary

So it turns out buying a house is absolutely terrifying. I mean, incredibly exciting, and exhilarating, but also terrifying and an incredibly emotional thing. I wasn’t prepared for the roller-coaster.  But, hey! I bought a house! Now, to pack. And do schoolwork. And work. And meetings. And gym. At least I can’t say I’m bored.

Long weekends make me wish that I never had to go back to work.

Why do cats wait until dark and quiet to completely terrorize each other?

It turns out I was posting in another blog for a more specific purpose but I didn’t have it listed on my profile so all the traffic was coming here. And I thought it was a mistake with the tracking on the site. Clearly an operator error.

Corn on the cob – how is it so delicious? Of all the stereotypes I fit into regarding the Midwest, loving corn on the cob is at the top of the list.

How many times does it take spilling coffee out of a new mug before realizing how to drink it appropriately? Apparently at least 3 times for me.

How far away does a storm have to be to see constant lightning and hear no rumbling of thunder that follows? I am fascinated by nature.

I keep thinking it’s Monday. It is not Monday.

I bought a house!

Why aren’t there resealable bags for cereal?

What happens if a cop pulls you over and they have a headlight out? Can you say something about it? Do they do once-overs on their cars before they go out on patrol? “Hey Bob, can you check my taillights?”

What is it about food days at work? It’s like the only thing that we can get excited about. Happy Friday! Stuff your face! But one of my aisle-mates brought homemade salsa so I am pretty stoked about that.

Why can’t I seem to take my contacts out on a regular basis? I did last night and today my eyes will not stop watering. I really need to get in the habit of taking them out more, I don’t want to do permanent damage to my eyes. Besides, my glasses are pretty adorable.

How crazy is it that just over 4 years ago I had no chance of doing anything based on my credit score, and today I’ve been pre-approved for a house?! (It’s pretty crazy)

What even are allergies? I mean, how do they just randomly show up in a person at 30? Have they been lying dormant in my body this whole time?

School starts in just over a week. I’m so close to being done I can taste it.

My life is so full today – I’m really quite lucky.

I’m ready for boots and hoodies

If opportunity comes knocking, do you open the door? Or take a nap?

I don’t think I’m built for cubicle life. But I watched Arthur grow a new leaf, and that was pretty cool.

It has been a busy few weeks – it seems like we’ve just now been able to take a breath at work.

It is so challenging to give a person help, and watch them not take it. It’s a good reminder for me that I need to continue to be willing to take different actions that are suggested to me.

Does everyone have a calling?

Does having an aversion to meat, cooking and eating it, mean that I shouldn’t cook and eat it? I mean, protein. But, moral dilemma. I know we’re carnivores and I get that. I also know that my brain is a little sideways, and sometimes I really struggle with eating meat. It’s something I’ve been rolling around in my brain for a while.

Does an adult ever feel rested? I mean really.

I wonder what having a cup of coffee every morning does to the body. I pretty much have coffee every morning. Hmm.

Do things that annoy you ever stop annoying you?

What is it about young children, boys especially, who feel that it is totally acceptable to walk or ride their bikes in the middle of the street, and not move when they know a car is coming? Or then they throw their bikes on the sidewalk or in the yard, where they’re left overnight and rained on. I don’t get that!

I wonder if the guy who delivers my groceries (I still can’t believe that) judges me for not going to the grocery store. I mean, I don’t particularly care, but I got the same guy twice in a row and I’ve just placed my third order – I wonder if he thinks I’m just immensely lazy? Or maybe he thinks I’m agoraphobic and never leave my house. Maybe he thinks I’m super spoiled and entitled. I don’t know, I’m very nice to him when he comes. I wonder if we’re supposed to tip? (I just looked it up, they accept tips. Mental note, get cash)

I’m reading The Dresden Files – first book: Storm Front. It’s actually really interesting. It’s right up my alley, a mix of fantasy and gritty crime novel. How have I only just now heard about it?

A new project is like Christmas

I’m incredibly indecisive. That being said, I’ve been mulling over redoing my bedroom for some time now. I am just over the blue/brown palette I’ve used for oh…ever. So, I bought this painting:

Now, I can pick color based on that piece of artwork rather than guessing. Also, it opens up opportunities for colored accent furniture and the like, which translates to: I’ll be painting the furniture I already have because we all know I’m not buying new when I can redo old. I’m pretty excited about it.

It’s interesting to learn that I don’t like foods I once craved like mad.

My friends threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. Caught me completely off guard and was pretty outstanding. It’s nice to be reminded of the gifts I have today. My friends are awesome.

I walked right into a spider web this morning, half awake in my pajamas, stumbling outside to try to capture a picture of the sunrise off my deck. It was one of those moments where I kinda hoped someone saw me and laughed, because it was straight out of a movie. Luckily, the spider remained on his web over the door. Clearly, I don’t go out back much. The picture turned out ok though, so there’s that. (I ran inside and slammed the door like the scaredy-cat I am)

I have to figure out how to use the sander this weekend. I’ve only had it for a year…

If a guy reaches out to me on Facebook and says that he saw one of my posts from earlier in the week and sends me an article related to that post, is that flirting? Or just being nice? I can’t tell. To be honest, he could say “I think you’re really cute and I’d like to take you out” and I’d still probably ask him if he was sure.

I’m not a doctor! (Not relevant)

It was legitimately cool last night. In July! That’s crazy talk.

I’ve got at least 2 unfinished projects I’d like to complete before school starts in August. They’re not difficult, I don’t know why I don’t just do them. Procrastination! *sigh*

I got flowers at work today! I can’t remember if I’ve ever gotten flowers at the office before. I don’t think I have. They smell great, they’re beautiful, and I’m so grateful. My parents are the coolest.

So, I was thinking about Interstellar, when they *spoiler* go to the planet where Matt Damon is and start preparing to colonize it. He talks about the surface below. And I just wondered, why the hell wouldn’t he be living on said surface? Why didn’t that trip any flags for those guys? Desperation? Perhaps. Still love that movie though.

Speaking of movies with Matt Damon and space, I saw the preview for Martian and it looks really good. I’ll be seeing that.

Push-ups are no joke. The exercise, not the dessert. Although…

Trying to relearn everything I know about food is crazy. Planning trips to the grocery store and rethinking what to eat at each meal is proving to be a challenge. I’m up for it, but it’s a lot to handle.

I’m grateful today that I know I never have to be alone. There was a time in my life when it felt like I was in a big dark cave, unable to see the walls and the ceiling because it was so dark, and lonely, and isolated. I’m so glad my life is full today. I have some of the best friends and family I could ever have, which is more than I deserve. I am shown every day how lucky I am. I know I got all sappy – I’ll try to get back to regular programming.

I think I have 3 separate piles of clothes that need addressing at my house. One needs folded, one needs ‘fluffed’ and one needs washed. I feel like I’ve been behind ever since I’ve been back. Maybe this weekend I’ll catch up. *please note, this is said with extreme optimism*

Help.

I have two big pet peeves at work. Ready? 1) fingernail clipping. That is clearly a grooming issue that should be addressed at home. I get the occasional hangnail, but every finger? Come on. 2) Loud ringtones of pop songs. Look, I get it. My ringtone is the theme to Harry Potter. I’m a big dork, just like everyone else. But it’s hard for a VP to take me seriously if Katy Perry’s Roar plays full blast while I’m on the phone.

I have colored pencils and a therapy coloring book at home – it’s a great way to unplug and decompress. Highly recommend.

Thunderstorms are the best alarm clock.

My trip was empowering. I came back with some self-respect, so that’s new. I dig it.

So it’s mid-week back at work. I’ve been busy, clearly, but I’ve also been to work early. I think I had an almost imperceptible mind-shift regarding life in general.

James Horner died in a plane crash this week. It is a huge loss to the world – he wrote beautiful music. I have many of his in my collection – Avatar and Braveheart and Field of Dreams, An American Tale, The Land Before Time (one of my favs), Glory, The Man Without a Face, of course Titanic, Hocus Pocus, Apollo 13, Jumanji, and so so many others. It was shocking when I heard. He will truly be missed. He definitely left a legacy.

What is it about working out that is so great? I just love it. I also love cookies, so…

It still amazes me that one small thing can cause a flood of memories and a punch in the heart region. I try really hard to just move past that nostalgia – it’s easy to remember things through rose-colored glasses and forget the not-so-great times.

It’s also easy to feel lonely when someone you used to spend time with has found someone new. (Don’t forget, you may see me as an independent world-traveler with amazing friends and family and several hobbies that I enjoy, but I’m also a girl who wants to share her life with someone)

Moving on – I’m trying to decide where my next trip is going to be. Yes, of course I am. Greece? Not until they figure out their whole economic situation. Australia? Sydney maybe – always wanted to go there too. (Crocodile Dundee was a staple in my childhood) I’d love to go to Portugal, and of course Scotland/England/Wales. Clearly I want to go to all the places. Maybe I should stay stateside and just go to southern California or Maine. Both places I have never been but want to see. All in good time.

Who was the one that figured out how to fold two sheets and two pillow cases into a little rectangle for convenient packaging? Seriously. It’s like voodoo.

Seriously.

Someone compared their brain to a Rubik’s cube last night and I have to say I totally relate.

My cat chases my shadow and I find it quite hilarious. I’ll have to post a video sometime. I try to think of things to make me smile when I am thinking negatively and that one usually does the trick. Also, Avengers.

Ya know, also, I’m getting real tired of letting people make me feel stupid. I get to choose how I react to things. I don’t like being demeaned, as no one probably does. The difference is I don’t have to tolerate being treated that way, by anyone. I just have to figure out how to react with assertion and not aggression or defense.

Kind of a weird, all over post today. But that’s just where I am.

One more note, if you like movie soundtracks as I clearly do, check out Many Beautiful Things – the soundtrack is by Sleeping At Last and it’s fabulous.

Check it out.

This post is a good example of my brain = Rubik’s cube.

It’s amazing

I got more likes on a post with a content than a post I put a lot of work into.

When I hit publish there was text here, I swear. I’m sure i managed to do something to snarl it up. I’ll try again. Be patient, blogging from my phone is a pain.

So, I’ve now been to Dublin, Cork, and Killarney. Been to the city centers and the countryside. I’ve seen The Hill of Tara, Trim Castle, Loughcrew, Monasterboice, Drogheda, St. Andrews Church, O’Connell Street, Trinity College, Kinsale, Charles Fort, and the mouth of the Atlantic. I’ve met wonderful people, fed horses apples, been showered with puppy love, walked so far my legs felt those pinpricks when I finally reached my destination, and slept like a rock.

This truly has been an amazing trip and there is still so much ahead of me! I’m incredibly lucky and grateful each day that I’m here, that I saved money so I don’t have to worry about cash (even though actually getting that cash is a pain) and that I’m connected back home with technology.

Killarney so far is the most beautiful city, but the bed and breakfast in Balinhassig outside of Cork has been the best place I’ve stayed. Sweetest hostess with homemade strawberry rhubarb pie to greet me after a long day of travel, 4 dogs, 5 horses, and Billy the pony. Animals fill my cup, and I was loved by the dogs on a day when I was incredibly homesick. Also, the views were amazing.

Billy the pony.

Today is Dingle Bay and Slea Head. 7 hour tour, then dinner in the city center, maybe a ghost tour of the city or maybe another walk back to the bed and breakfast. I love that I can really do whatever I want. It’s really nice.

There is a lot to post, but I smell breakfast and my stomach is now awake. So, more later.