Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

Friday.

Sometimes when I drive, I have something in my passenger seat like a card or a book, or something else trivial that I certainly don’t need while I’m paying attention to the road, and I’ll make a turn, and said item will go flying off the seat and I react as if it’s fallen into some abyss never to be seen again. Usually grumbling some profanity at the same time. I did this the other day and realized what an overreaction it was. Like, it’ll be there when I park the car.

I’m finding tattoo ideas quicker than I can save money to get them.

Going with the car theme, sneezing in the car is one of the most terrifying things ever. I mean, I know that your eyes only close for half a second, but a lot can happen in a half a second! And there’s NO control over it.

I was surprised to hear that someone is inspired by me. It is flattering, and it’s an honor, but I immediately wonder why. I just imagine all the things that make me so so awkward. I trip over myself constantly, I suffer from crippling self-doubt and insecurity, sometimes I stutter on the phone when I’m trying to run a call and I have a knack for letting things go bad in the fridge. I take an excessive amount of pictures of my cats and I listen to the same music and watch the same shows/movies over and over. I spend an inappropriate amount of time in Walgreen’s trying to decide on new body wash and have almost no impulse control when it comes to Amazon online shopping. I’m just saying. I’m grateful that we as people see things in others that they don’t often see.

When someone says, you really look like you need to have that cup of coffee, is that a veiled way of saying good lord you look tired? I think it might be. That’s ok, it’s probably true. Also, I do need this cup of coffee.

Doing laundry yesterday, I was so proud of myself for getting everything in one load that I didn’t think about whether or not I should’ve. Folding it will be a nightmare. Notice I said will be, because I certainly didn’t do it yesterday.

Sometimes when I hear people sigh, I wonder if it’s a sigh because they’re frustrated, or angry, or remembering something fondly, or if they just really needed to take a big deep breath. I sometimes take deep breaths because it feels good to breathe in as deeply as I can and exhale audibly. I can’t help it. It feels nice. You should try it.

Isn’t it amazing how a person can be in the periphery of your life, and then all of a sudden, they radiate so brightly that you can’t help but notice who they are and what they do and how they make you feel? Friend, coworker, significant other, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes a person just illuminates my life, and I’m tuned in enough these days to notice when they shine. I think that’s wonderful.

I am getting closer to perfecting the pan-cooked steak. I know.

What a hiatus!

I have not been around these parts in a minute! I’ve been using another medium to blog about some things near and dear that I don’t necessarily need everyone to know about but have to work through. With that, plus school, meetings, work, standing appointments, choir, orchestra, and dating, I’ve been incredibly busy.

Crazy how life gets good isn’t it?

Have you ever taken into consideration the random articles found on the roadways? I’m curious. I mentioned this on my Facebook, seeing a random shoe in the median. The responses were varied – some wondered, like me, if a person was so angry that throwing a shoe out of the window was the only natural response. Others thought that perhaps something terrible happened. One person said a ‘friend of hers’ thought that it was proof of an alien abduction. But I mean, I have seen some weird things on the roadside. Baby seat. Couch. Couch cushion. Bookshelf. Shoe. Backpack. I can’t imagine that all of these things bounced out of the back of a truck.

Sometimes I look at pictures of space, and of Earth, and of our Universe and I just get overwhelmed. Does that ever happen to you with anything? I just think about our planets in orbit around the sun, and how incredible it is that such a thing exists at all, and how so many things happen in such a big world that is actually tiny in comparison to the solar system it resides in while hurtling through space. Sometimes it’s a challenge for me to wrap my mind around the god thing, but when I think of all this, I’m convinced that the name doesn’t matter – there’s something out there bigger than me and I’m grateful.

Think about weather, and tides, and how plants and humans help each other out, and tell me that it wasn’t by design. Now look, I’m a firm believer in science and I’m not saying that the world was created in “7 days” by a supreme being. I don’t think there’s a puppet master pulling strings. What I am saying is that it isn’t just coincidence that humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, and that plants absorb carbon dioxide and emit oxygen. That’s one of many examples that I could provide, but I think at this point I’m starting to ramble. It’s just powerful stuff.

I’m *this* close to home-ownership again! Also *this* close to being done with class for the semester. Orchestra concert was Sunday and went off well. I had a few people in the audience this time which was pretty cool. Choir concert is in a month. Closing date for the house would be in a month. I’m dating a neat guy. I’m doing personal training at the gym, I’m sponsoring a gal who seems to really be trying, I’m participating in service commitments…

Basically what I’m saying is I’m so busy I think that sometimes I skate by on adrenaline and caffeine alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I have a few friends who openly protest Thanksgiving, stating that America is celebrating genocide of the Native American population, and I know there are many others who believe that way. Lots of protests by Native American tribes take place on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, many Native Americans are supportive of Thanksgiving, as the main purpose of the day is to give thanks to whatever you believe in for the things we have in life. I think initially it was a day of thanks for the first successful harvest. Of course, there are those who will say history has been changed and what the books say does not accurately reflect what really happened. I guess we’ll never know for sure.What I love is that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. As long as you don’t force your beliefs on me, we’re good.

That being said, I love Thanksgiving, with all of the drama of trying to get the food prepared at the same time, making sure the potatoes aren’t too lumpy or too smooth. I swear, someday I’m going to master what ‘until it looks right’ means when my mom tells me to add milk to the potatoes. I like looking at ads at what I’d buy if I had all the money in the world or the bravery to try to shop on Black Friday. I like having football on the TV while we nap, going to the meeting, playing games, eating pie. What I really want to do that I have never done is see the lighting ceremony in our downtown area. I am hoping I can this year. I’ve been here 30 years and never experienced it. I mean I’ve seen the lights. I just haven’t seen them light up for the first time. Ya get me.

Wow. This thing is all over the place. Well, kinda like my brain I guess. You’re welcome.

To Travel, Always

So, what I’ve found is that watching TV is as much a vacation as being somewhere new. Also, I’ve found about 4 new shows I’d love to get into. Not enough to pay for cable, but I get how people get hooked on so many TV shows.

I met the nicest guy on the plane ride from Chicago to Fort Lauderdale. We talked the whole trip. Considering we took a detour to avoid a storm, it was about 2.5 hours of chatting. You can learn a lot about a person in that time. I love that about traveling. Everyone has a story – and I love when people choose to share their stories with me. He and his wife and their friends nearly missed boarding, so they were all split up. Lucky me, he was so pleasant. He also suggested, after getting to me a little bit, that I should write as well. But what to write? I just have no idea. I know that I love it, but I don’t know what interests people that I have the knowledge to write about. I can write about my experience, that’s all I got. Maybe it’ll be enough someday. I just find it more than coincidence that I continue to hear that from people in my life.

I just want one thing in my life that is mine, ya know? One thing about me that makes me, me. Everything that I do right now is shared by at least one of my family members or friends. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Having said that – what makes me, me? Is it writing? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m in a spot where everything is somewhat up in the air – I think that’s probably a good place to be. It means anything can happen, and I like that idea.

I’m in Fort Lauderdale. The views are incredible. While I will admit, staying on the Gulf side is better for sunsets, I’m quite excited about seeing the sunrise tomorrow morning. The sand is soft and the waves crashing on the shore is mesmerizing. I realize how lucky I am that I have been to so many places and continue to travel. Sometimes I get lonely, especially when couples make up the most of the clientele, however most of the time I relish the solitude. I am more of an independent free spirit than I ever really recognized before. Embracing, owning and honoring that abut myself has been an incredibly rewarding experience.

For now, NCIS is marathoning on USA, which I can watch because I have cable in my hotel room. Fancy. Tomorrow is the World Finals Sand Volleyball Tournament on the beach – along with reading, relaxing, exercising, and just being.

Soak it up.

Vaca brain

Do you believe in personality quizzes? Have you ever taken any and thought wow, that is spot on? I have. When I answer truthfully I am always surprised at how accurate my results can be. Is it because you see what you want to see in the results? I dunno. Interesting though.

If you could go anywhere alone, where would you go? I’m going to Florida this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited. I love traveling alone. I’m looking forward to ocean views and sand beneath my feet, and doing what I want, when I want.

Looking forward to some meditation and reading this weekend, along with some tasty foods and great photo ops. Now to find my camera…

It’s tattoo time, speaking of doing what I want when I want. I know, I’m ridiculous. I just love them so.

Do you ever think about how many different people there are in the world and how differently they all live their lives and perceive the things around them? Like, it’s no wonder communication is difficult. I love figuring out how people communicate and the mirroring it back to them. I just don’t know what to do with that skill set.

If you could be told what your purpose in life was, would you want to hear? I would.

Getting ahead on homework is a great feeling especially with a vaca coming up. So long suckers!

I’m really ready for the beach.

I’m not a doctor! (Not relevant)

It was legitimately cool last night. In July! That’s crazy talk.

I’ve got at least 2 unfinished projects I’d like to complete before school starts in August. They’re not difficult, I don’t know why I don’t just do them. Procrastination! *sigh*

I got flowers at work today! I can’t remember if I’ve ever gotten flowers at the office before. I don’t think I have. They smell great, they’re beautiful, and I’m so grateful. My parents are the coolest.

So, I was thinking about Interstellar, when they *spoiler* go to the planet where Matt Damon is and start preparing to colonize it. He talks about the surface below. And I just wondered, why the hell wouldn’t he be living on said surface? Why didn’t that trip any flags for those guys? Desperation? Perhaps. Still love that movie though.

Speaking of movies with Matt Damon and space, I saw the preview for Martian and it looks really good. I’ll be seeing that.

Push-ups are no joke. The exercise, not the dessert. Although…

Trying to relearn everything I know about food is crazy. Planning trips to the grocery store and rethinking what to eat at each meal is proving to be a challenge. I’m up for it, but it’s a lot to handle.

I’m grateful today that I know I never have to be alone. There was a time in my life when it felt like I was in a big dark cave, unable to see the walls and the ceiling because it was so dark, and lonely, and isolated. I’m so glad my life is full today. I have some of the best friends and family I could ever have, which is more than I deserve. I am shown every day how lucky I am. I know I got all sappy – I’ll try to get back to regular programming.

I think I have 3 separate piles of clothes that need addressing at my house. One needs folded, one needs ‘fluffed’ and one needs washed. I feel like I’ve been behind ever since I’ve been back. Maybe this weekend I’ll catch up. *please note, this is said with extreme optimism*

Help.

I have two big pet peeves at work. Ready? 1) fingernail clipping. That is clearly a grooming issue that should be addressed at home. I get the occasional hangnail, but every finger? Come on. 2) Loud ringtones of pop songs. Look, I get it. My ringtone is the theme to Harry Potter. I’m a big dork, just like everyone else. But it’s hard for a VP to take me seriously if Katy Perry’s Roar plays full blast while I’m on the phone.

I have colored pencils and a therapy coloring book at home – it’s a great way to unplug and decompress. Highly recommend.

Jumanji!

Do you find yourself trying to do daily activities and struggling, and then suffering embarrassment when someone notices? Monday I was trying to get a paper towel to dry my hands in the bathroom, and I could not get it. It was a brand new roll and someone squeezed that sucker onto the roller and there was clearly no room for the roll to roll. Anyway, I think I may have whimpered a little bit trying to pry the paper towel off, right as another woman walked in. I promptly left the bathroom. With wet hands. I should’ve waited to see how she handled the situation. That probably would’ve been creepier.

I had lunch with my dad yesterday- that was fun. Then I spilled pizza down my shirt. That was not as much fun.

Tell me this. Why is it that when someone sneaks up on someone else in a movie with a weapon, like say, Phil Coulson sneaks up on Loki in the Avengers, why do they always talk first? I mean, I get it. You have something clever or witty to say. Shoot them, and then say your piece. I mean, it’s a classic mistake.

I did not sleep well last night. My brain would not shut down. It was apparently on overdrive, and I couldn’t get comfortable. It was one of those mornings where I was conscious, just waiting for the alarm to go off. Given that, I got to work really early. So, bonus?

I laugh at the same jokes in movies almost every time, or at least smile in appreciation. I am a rewatcher of movies. I guess I just don’t always want to take the chance of watching something new and having it be terrible. Every once in a while I break out, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched some of my favorites. I know all the lines, I know the jokes when they’re coming, and I am still amused. For what it’s worth, don’t try that in real life. If you tell me the same joke every day, there will come a point where I will give you a death stare and walk away before you finish. It does not translate to real life.

Speaking of movies, I can’t wait for Jurassic World. Judge all you want, it looks fantastic.

I have started preliminary packing. Laying things out, etc. I have a birthday to celebrate a bit on Saturday so I have a feeling Sunday is going to be a mad dash to get everything. I can’t figure out if I’m going to under-pack or over-pack. I’m trying not to panic but I’m freaking out a little bit. I need to make a new checklist.

People never cease to amaze me.

Sounds silly, but I was in bed and the cats jumped up last night, and I realized that I’m going to miss them. I’m such a softie. I mean, I know they’ll be fine, but 10 days without someone with them overnight is a long time. I’m lucky I have friends who are willing to come over and spend time with them. They’ve been my comfort and entertainment for the past 7 years, it’s amazing how much a person can love a pet.

(I made a new checklist. I already feel better)

Fashion Trends are Overrated

I need to keep a notepad next to my bed. I have weird dreams.

Seems like waterproof hiking shoes were a good purchase, given the places I’m going and tours I’m taking.

Seems like most women do not wear rain coats. Let’s be honest, I’ll be pegged as a tourist the second I step on the street. After reading about fashion dos and don’ts, I realized that I don’t even follow fashion rules here. Why would I try to overseas? Good grief. I know how to keep it classy and goodness knows I’m not one for high heels or short skirts so, I think we’re good. Layers, hoodies, hat, scarf, who knows what else. (I might be starting to freak out a little bit, just go with it)

A night with a girlfriend is exactly what I needed – the ability to connect with people on an emotional level is something I am grateful for today.

I say ‘What are you doin’ to my cats more often than you might think. 7 years and they still get into all kinds of trouble. In the best way. They make my life more interesting, and definitely keep me on my toes. Love them.

I think having plants in a home is a necessity. I buy ones that can’t easily be killed. It’s better that way.

Building muscle is fun. Now I need to change my diet up just a bit to ensure I’m protecting that muscle (read: more protein).

I haven’t painted in over a month – I hope to do that on Sunday. Make some time to just sit and be and do. It’s been a challenge lately.

It’s supposed to be 60’s and sunny this weekend so I may actually have the opportunity to pull weeds too. A life with a yard.

I have a deluxe Scrabble board that I got for Christmas that has never been used. That really needs to be rectified.

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries you guys, I’m telling you. Every character is admirable in some way – the main 4 characters especially. I could go on and on but I won’t – I tend to get a bit verbose on things like that. Just, do yourself a favor and check it out if you like that sort of thing.

Grocery store. Also something I need to do this weekend (as much as I hate it). As close as Ireland is, I still have a week of work, food, chores, and gym to complete, with a few appointments sprinkled in there.

Happy weekend.

Hello

I can’t walk into the break room and NOT hit stop on a microwave if they have extra time on them.

The movie You’ve Got Mail is full of obsolete references. Book stores are a thing of the past anymore (I think Barnes and Noble is holding on by a thread) and I’m not sure of the numbers but I’d guess that AOL usage has dropped significantly as well. (I still love that movie, Meg Ryan’s hair was outstanding)

Do you ever drive and wonder where the other people are driving to? I like to imagine that someone driving way too fast weaving through traffic is speeding to get a hospital to see the birth of a baby or something. It lessens the incredulity I feel.

I am always amazed at how people come into my life at the exact moment I need them.

Something I have learned is that most of the time, I just don’t really care if you like me or not, which is a far cry from where I was a few years ago. It’s not that I behave badly and don’t care. I take principled actions and do the best I can with what I have, and I try to just do the next right thing in front of me, whatever that is. Sometimes I’m more successful at that than others. It’s just that, I know now that I will not be friends with everyone in the universe, and that’s ok. There are people that I don’t like. I respect them, and I can appreciate what they do as far as their career or their goal to help people or whatever the case may be, but I don’t like them. So I should expect the same goes for me. There’s a freedom in not freaking out about making sure everyone wants to be my friend.

Bagged wet grass has to be one of the worst smelling things on the planet. Yuck.

On the other hand, a freshly mowed lawn is incredibly rewarding.

I tried cooking a roast in the slow cooker. It came out like a rock. However, the salsa chicken I made was on point. (I’ve been given instructions for when I attempt to cook a roast again)

There is nothing like waking up next to someone and being pulled into a morning cuddle.

Cleaning out my house of all the things I don’t wear/won’t use anymore is like losing a hundred pounds. Seriously, the previously unusable third bedroom at my house is now clean, arranged, smells like sage and citrus (one of my favorites) and has become my yoga/stretching/work-out room. I love it.

At this point in my life, when I have things to do it is harder to nap. I get this tight, anxious feeling in my chest which is not conducive to sleeping.

(p.s. I’m definitely changing the title of this to Random Musings)

Kick Monday’s Ass

I’ve been away for a few days. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that my life gets so busy that I hardly have time to think straight! Then, when I do have time over the weekend, I’m usually in the company of someone else, and the last thing I want to do at that point is plug back into my computer. I stare at a screen a lot during the week, so weekend posting is hit and miss, for sure.

Why is driving in the rain so exhausting? I love the sound of rain, sitting on the porch or in my house, but pounding on the exterior of my car it becomes quite annoying.

Words have the ability to cut a person down or build them up. Even the tone of how words are said can be a determining factor in how they are perceived by others. I have to remember that. Words are powerful. I still remember kind, and mean, things that were said to me as far back as 2nd grade, so ya know, I need to be conscious of my words and choose them carefully.

I wish that I could capture a moment in time in my brain and freeze frame it forever. Wouldn’t that be a cool superpower? I mean, I have memories that I can look back on but they always fade or become more challenging to pull up because of all the life I continue to live.

I wonder what it is like to go to work every day doing what you’re passionate about. I know several people who wake up and are thrilled to go in to work. It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. I just, ya know those people who are like, I was born to do this. And they do it and they get paid for it? Lucky.

What is it about a made bed that makes me feel like I’ve got my life together?

It amazes me that the whole weekend is over already. It was such a whirlwind. Constantly moving, which isn’t a bad thing.

Choir concert last night with Ola Gjelo was great. Far drive in the rain two days in a row, but it was a fun performance. On that note (see what I did there, with the pun?) choir rehearsal was cancelled for tonight and I’m a little bit excited about having a night to get some things done around the house, without having to leave for anything.

It also amazes me that I can be excited for a night to get my house cleaned and food cooked for the week. Clearly, I like to live on the edge.

People in this world can do outstanding things. Trying to focus on that rather than all the calamity in the world helps me to stay positive. Not that I want to be ignorant or uninformed, but I don’t want the world to drag me down.

Why does one side of the nose get clogged and when does the body decide it’s time to switch sides and how does that decision get made? Like, ok left nostril, you’ve put in your work for the morning, it’s time for everything to switch sides. Congestion, retreat to the alternate side and resume your business. What? I don’t get that.

I want a big bowl of creamy chicken alfredo pasta. I want to eat every bite without feeling guilty. Since that will never, ever happen, what I’ll do is not that. But man, it is definitely one of my favorite things. (Mmm food)

I also really enjoy napping. I managed to sneak in a 20 minute nap on Saturday, which was refreshing enough to get through the next portion of the day, but I adore falling asleep on the couch for an hour. It’s bad when I wake up in the morning and within the first few minutes of stretching and making my bed, start thinking about how great it will be to nap. I used to nap to escape, but now I nap because I’m up enjoying my life so much that I’ll take sleep when I can get it. (word)

My life is really, really good today. And I can see how good it is, and I’m grateful for that.