Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

I love hobbies.

Can you imagine what it was like to discover the universe? I mean, to figure out that something in space was actually another planet, or to figure out the sun was the center of the universe? That we were actually moving around the sun and not the other way around? I wonder what it was like back then.

Hey! Conningsby! Come take a look through this telescope chap, and tell me what you see! By jove, it’s a planet I tell you!

Look I’m just saying it’d definitely be a life altering moment. If I had the smarts, I’d do science stuff. Space is fascinating guys.

Road workers have the most terrifying jobs. Ok maybe not most, but they’re up there. Driving home last night, watching guys put cones out on the INTERSTATE while people were flying around them going way too fast, I just pondered how absolutely terrifying it’d be to do that job. I also realized I had never seen them in the process of blocking off lanes.

I walked away from the house – the inspection was just awful. Too many big things to fix. It was sad, but I feel better about the decision today. So, back to the search.

I have actually felt an inspiration to paint something, which I’ve not had yet, or acknowledged at least. I’m looking forward to doing it, I just don’t know WHEN.

I’ve found that pictures hanging in my cubicle make me hate it less. I wonder if there’s a limit on how many personal items we can have at our desk. I have a handful, at least. I’ve never heard anything of the sort here, but at other big companies I have had friends who had to clear off personal items. Which I think is just ridiculous. Especially when we have no windows. If I have a troll with neon pink hair to keep me company on my desk, why should anyone care? (I don’t have one, but that’d be pretty sweet).

I got a guitar from my uncle to play for a while – I can’t wait. Hearing the strings, feeling them beneath my fingers, that full, rich sound, there’s nothing like it. I’m terribly out of practice, but the point is just to play. It’ll come back to me.

I’m sad to see summer go but I am ready for boots, hoodies and leaves crunching under my feet. Fall is my favorite. Just don’t think too much about what comes after fall. Stay in the moment, it’s much more fun.

Idle time does not suit me

I still like to cut (tear) the crust off my sandwiches. I’d probably use one of those cool dinosaur sandwich things if I had one. If I ever have kids, it’s going to be on.

I have to hit stop on the microwave if someone has left remaining time on there and exited the premises. Seriously, who does that? How hard is it to hit a button? ONE TIME! (Please note, I will never put up a passive/aggressive note stating that people should ‘please hit end once you are done using the microwave’ because that’s just dumb)

I finally bit the bullet and got a personal trainer. Why is it so damn intimidating to meeting with a fitness guru? Like, hey. I’ve been working hard in the gym for two months and I still feel inadequate walking around the gym with you. Maybe that’s just me. But I have hope that I’ll make progress at a quicker pace when I have someone guiding me through.

What is it about nature that is so restorative? I wish I had a window at work.

Why are raccoons the most adorable little shits on the planet? I mean they will literally tear apart your yard/trash/whatever but they look so cute!

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head, pick it out, play it, and realize you were imagining it in the right key, and it’s better when you listen to it than just remembering it your mind? I do that all the time. Especially when I get anxious. (I have to talk in front of over 400 people tonight. I am not excited)

Do personal trainers REALLY believe that they can help you achieve your goals or do they just say that to get paid? I think I’m having buyer’s remorse. Time will tell.

Why is it that on the slow days at work I have the most irritating thoughts processing through my brain, with absolutely no distractions from them. No escaping them. Ugh.

You know those friends that you can be complete 100% yourself with and go a little crazy and they love you anyway? Hold on to those friends. They’ll be there when things get really tough. And be there for them too. #lifelessons

It’s a 4 day work week! Woo!

I sorta have a soundtrack to my life, because I obsessively listen to music over and over, and then even when it’s not on I hear it playing in my head. It can be fun. Also annoying. But mostly fun.

I enjoy several varieties of sushi. I don’t mind sharing with other people for a bigger selection. But so help me, if you get a roll that has raw fish in it, I am not giving you one of my hotel cali’s as a trade-off because no. I am not eating raw fish. (Just sayin)

When I try to meditate, i.e. clear my mind of all thoughts, my tinnitus gets louder, and then all I can think about is how loud my tinnitus is, and then wonder why I don’t always hear it or think about it, and then that’s all she wrote. Which is why I like yoga, and painting, and coloring. Because I’m distracted by something enough to not think about the tinnitus but also thoughts that would normally stick in my brain just pass right through.

Jurassic World is a must-see for those of you who enjoy cheesy action movies with a bit of gross and a whole lot of nostalgia. I really enjoyed it. My expectations were not exceptionally high, so I had that going for me. Also, Chris Pratt. ‘Nuff said.

Breakfast food is good at any time of the day or night.

I heard someone say yesterday that no moment is ever the same, and no moment can ever be exactly recreated. So, I’m going to just enjoy where I am and try to stop planning for a future I can’t predict, and stop dwelling on a past that cannot change and cannot be duplicated. Accept, enjoy, relax.

I’ve been holding out on redeeming my points work because I wanted to get enough to get another year of Netflix for free. So I got enough, and it turns out they don’t offer that anymore! I’m going to have to become a paying member next year! Sad day. (I get that it’s really cheap, but still)

So, if I’ve done the calculations correctly, I have 3 more classes after this semester, then my Kirkpatrick series which is 9 credit hours, and then I’m done with my degree! This has been a long time coming.

What is it about grandmas? They always want to give you food and candy, even if they’re not your grandma. It must be something that happens to the brain as it ages, where it automatically assumes that people under 50 are not eating enough, therefore they must be sent home with food.

Happy Monday.

Thunderstorms are the best alarm clock.

My trip was empowering. I came back with some self-respect, so that’s new. I dig it.

So it’s mid-week back at work. I’ve been busy, clearly, but I’ve also been to work early. I think I had an almost imperceptible mind-shift regarding life in general.

James Horner died in a plane crash this week. It is a huge loss to the world – he wrote beautiful music. I have many of his in my collection – Avatar and Braveheart and Field of Dreams, An American Tale, The Land Before Time (one of my favs), Glory, The Man Without a Face, of course Titanic, Hocus Pocus, Apollo 13, Jumanji, and so so many others. It was shocking when I heard. He will truly be missed. He definitely left a legacy.

What is it about working out that is so great? I just love it. I also love cookies, so…

It still amazes me that one small thing can cause a flood of memories and a punch in the heart region. I try really hard to just move past that nostalgia – it’s easy to remember things through rose-colored glasses and forget the not-so-great times.

It’s also easy to feel lonely when someone you used to spend time with has found someone new. (Don’t forget, you may see me as an independent world-traveler with amazing friends and family and several hobbies that I enjoy, but I’m also a girl who wants to share her life with someone)

Moving on – I’m trying to decide where my next trip is going to be. Yes, of course I am. Greece? Not until they figure out their whole economic situation. Australia? Sydney maybe – always wanted to go there too. (Crocodile Dundee was a staple in my childhood) I’d love to go to Portugal, and of course Scotland/England/Wales. Clearly I want to go to all the places. Maybe I should stay stateside and just go to southern California or Maine. Both places I have never been but want to see. All in good time.

Who was the one that figured out how to fold two sheets and two pillow cases into a little rectangle for convenient packaging? Seriously. It’s like voodoo.

Seriously.

Someone compared their brain to a Rubik’s cube last night and I have to say I totally relate.

My cat chases my shadow and I find it quite hilarious. I’ll have to post a video sometime. I try to think of things to make me smile when I am thinking negatively and that one usually does the trick. Also, Avengers.

Ya know, also, I’m getting real tired of letting people make me feel stupid. I get to choose how I react to things. I don’t like being demeaned, as no one probably does. The difference is I don’t have to tolerate being treated that way, by anyone. I just have to figure out how to react with assertion and not aggression or defense.

Kind of a weird, all over post today. But that’s just where I am.

One more note, if you like movie soundtracks as I clearly do, check out Many Beautiful Things – the soundtrack is by Sleeping At Last and it’s fabulous.

Check it out.

This post is a good example of my brain = Rubik’s cube.

Kick Monday’s Ass

I’ve been away for a few days. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that my life gets so busy that I hardly have time to think straight! Then, when I do have time over the weekend, I’m usually in the company of someone else, and the last thing I want to do at that point is plug back into my computer. I stare at a screen a lot during the week, so weekend posting is hit and miss, for sure.

Why is driving in the rain so exhausting? I love the sound of rain, sitting on the porch or in my house, but pounding on the exterior of my car it becomes quite annoying.

Words have the ability to cut a person down or build them up. Even the tone of how words are said can be a determining factor in how they are perceived by others. I have to remember that. Words are powerful. I still remember kind, and mean, things that were said to me as far back as 2nd grade, so ya know, I need to be conscious of my words and choose them carefully.

I wish that I could capture a moment in time in my brain and freeze frame it forever. Wouldn’t that be a cool superpower? I mean, I have memories that I can look back on but they always fade or become more challenging to pull up because of all the life I continue to live.

I wonder what it is like to go to work every day doing what you’re passionate about. I know several people who wake up and are thrilled to go in to work. It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. I just, ya know those people who are like, I was born to do this. And they do it and they get paid for it? Lucky.

What is it about a made bed that makes me feel like I’ve got my life together?

It amazes me that the whole weekend is over already. It was such a whirlwind. Constantly moving, which isn’t a bad thing.

Choir concert last night with Ola Gjelo was great. Far drive in the rain two days in a row, but it was a fun performance. On that note (see what I did there, with the pun?) choir rehearsal was cancelled for tonight and I’m a little bit excited about having a night to get some things done around the house, without having to leave for anything.

It also amazes me that I can be excited for a night to get my house cleaned and food cooked for the week. Clearly, I like to live on the edge.

People in this world can do outstanding things. Trying to focus on that rather than all the calamity in the world helps me to stay positive. Not that I want to be ignorant or uninformed, but I don’t want the world to drag me down.

Why does one side of the nose get clogged and when does the body decide it’s time to switch sides and how does that decision get made? Like, ok left nostril, you’ve put in your work for the morning, it’s time for everything to switch sides. Congestion, retreat to the alternate side and resume your business. What? I don’t get that.

I want a big bowl of creamy chicken alfredo pasta. I want to eat every bite without feeling guilty. Since that will never, ever happen, what I’ll do is not that. But man, it is definitely one of my favorite things. (Mmm food)

I also really enjoy napping. I managed to sneak in a 20 minute nap on Saturday, which was refreshing enough to get through the next portion of the day, but I adore falling asleep on the couch for an hour. It’s bad when I wake up in the morning and within the first few minutes of stretching and making my bed, start thinking about how great it will be to nap. I used to nap to escape, but now I nap because I’m up enjoying my life so much that I’ll take sleep when I can get it. (word)

My life is really, really good today. And I can see how good it is, and I’m grateful for that.

*gasp*

It happened. I went a day without posting. But, to be fair, not without writing, because half this post was drafted yesterday and I just didn’t manage to get it published. It was bound to happen but I do not intend for that to become commonplace. I know you were very concerned.

I know my cats love me unconditionally because they still rub their little faces on my arm even though they know they’re going to get shocked. The hesitation before they make contact means they know it’s coming and do it anyway. I’m not sure if that’s stupidity or what, but I’ll take it. I mean come on, we’ve all done dumb things to show someone we care about them, amirite? (I’m totally right)

I pick the nail polish off my fingernails after it starts to peel. The nail polish on my thumbnail is always the most difficult to remove sans nail polish remover. What makes the thumbnail mightier than the rest? Why does the nail polish adhere to it more effectively? I don’t get it.

Who looked at rhubarb and decided it might be a good idea to try to eat it? I mean look, I can enjoy a slice of strawberry rhubarb pie every now and then, but it has to be ice cold with cool whip. That aside, seriously. (I would have died in the ‘hunter/gatherer’ times. Oooo look berries! Why are they so red? Oh well.)

I enjoy working out every time I go but I also enjoy sitting on my couch. So…yeah…

It’s amazing to me the predicaments we as people can get ourselves into (and out of) based on ego, pride, self-centeredness, fear, etc. But equally as surprising are the situations we get into (and out of) based on care, concern, passion, selflessness, empathy, and love. Human emotion is varied, unpredictable and fascinating.

What happens to the phone numbers and email addresses that go unused or sit dormant? Do they eventually just disappear? I mean I made a LOT of email addresses as a pre-teen/teen. Does some program go through and clean them up? Could I be drmrgrl36 again? (I think that was one. Wow. I dunno.)

Interstellar was as good the 3rd time as the 1st. I caught way more watching it at home. I think probably because I wasn’t so caught up in the music that I was able to actually focus on what was happening in the movie.

I don’t know if you guys have figured it out yet but I’m just a big geek/nerd/dork or whatever. I wear Harry Potter and Zelda t-shirts, go on and on about things that aren’t particularly important, think about things I can’t really wrap my mind around (like the vastness of the universe, that one gets me more often than I care to admit) and laugh at my own jokes. I have a Harry Potter tattoo, I saw LOTR in the theater more than 2 or 3 times, I’ve probably got half the Marvel movies embedded in my memory, and playing word games is something I really enjoy doing in my limited spare time. I’m just grateful today that I embrace that instead of hide it.

Ok. What’s with the worm smell after the first few rain showers in the spring? How do people enjoy that smell? I remember walking through my neighborhood as a kid, being seriously grossed out by the earthworms that crawled across the pavement. I’d tiptoe around them and probably squeal a little bit. (Ok, so I’m a little dramatic too. Whatever) I’d also run in fear at the sound of the tornado siren tests on Saturday mornings. I was kind of a wuss.

I’m going to Denver today! Woo! That means I’m spending 8 hours alone in a car today, but the payoff will be SO worth it. Visiting friends and babies, enjoying not being at work, and coming back to what I expect to be quite an enjoyable 1st full week in April.

Have no fear, I still intend on posting every day, even on vacation. There MIGHT even be a second post tonight, just because I’m going to have 8 hours alone in a car to think. (That’s as frightening as it is promising)

So many questions.

What if we could go back in time? I think music is the closest to time travel I’ll ever see in my lifetime. Music can take me back to any moment in my life. I was listening to M83 earlier today and I remembered sitting on the floor in the airport with my family, with my brother’s headphones on, listening to them for the first time. Songs bring back all kinds of memories. Saying goodbye to a friend in high school before she moved away to college. Jamming out in my first car. Dancing around with a childhood friend in her apartment. Going to see a show. Working through grief, curled up alone with my cats. Fourth of July at the baseball field. An argument with a past friend. An old relationship. A road trip to Missouri to see a childhood friend get married. Riding in the backseat as a kid. Botched attempts at karaoke back in the day. Dancing at a wedding reception. Spending Friday nights at Skate Land. (heyoooo) Sitting in the living room with my brother at the rental house my freshman year of high school watching Wizard of Oz, muted with Pink Floyd playing on the stereo. Sitting on the floor with my guitar, figuring out chords by ear. All types of memories, good and bad, but they’re the pieces that make up my life. Music reminds me of those moments that may lie dormant in my mind. It’s magical really.

What would it be like if travel were inexpensive? If going all over the world, learning about different cultures and relating with humans was something that was encouraged? Would people take advantage of that? Or would things stay the same? Why is it that taking a risk is so scary, even when the reward could be so great?

I use those gain flings to wash my laundry – where does the plastic go? Does it disintegrate?

I think it would be amazing to be inside the mind of someone who invents things. How do they see the world? Does everything look like an opportunity to them? Do they see things and constantly see ways to improve them? Mostly I find people fascinating.

What if we could siphon out a few seconds of our internal playback and watch it on TV. Would it make sense? I mean, I can go from Marvel comics to coffee farms in no time at all. I just wonder sometimes what it would look like to actually watch that rather than just internalizing it. (I know I’m weird, but come on)

Why does the smell of a new book instantly make me happy?

What is it about not feeling well that makes me feel like a small child? I almost always want my mom to make me a 7-up and cranberry juice drink over crushed ice. Instead I lie on the couch in a ball, tucked under covers (and then those covers are strewn on the floor) wishing the sickness to just … go away. Time for bed, again.

Goodbye Weekend.

So, yesterday was an amazing day, but stressful. At the end of it though, all the stress was worth it. I do not feel the same way when stressed about things like money. Stressing about money is never as satisfying and I do it way more often. Being grateful for a day full of friends and care is way more rewarding.

Why is it that my bed is absolutely uncomfortable when I go to sleep, but when I jump up in the morning to turn my alarm off and dive back under the covers it takes me no time at all to fall back asleep for that 9 minutes before my snooze goes off?

On that note, what is it about snoozing that is so seemingly satisfying? Like, hey. I totally set this for 20 minutes too early because I want to feel like I’m getting away with something by delaying my inevitable rise from slumber. I’m such a badass. (I’m not)

Why do cats constantly meow for food in their bowls when there is clearly food in the bowl? Seriously.

There is something about a lazy Sunday that is extremely gratifying. Productivity has its benefits, but there’s something to be said for slowing down enough to just be, and to be ok with that. Napping is the shit. (Yes, I still have laundry to finish and food to cook, but it doesn’t have to be done today)

Do animals have good memories? I understand they are teachable, but I mean do my cats remember being in the humane society 7 years ago? How do they perceive time? How is it that they just know that 2 am is the perfect time to tear through the house and play with toys that make noise?

Naturally motivated people are quite fascinating to me. I am equal parts jealous and impressed. I need to finish laundry and cleaning my house, yet here I sit, watching Netflix.

I’ve kept things light so far – please don’t misunderstand. I have plenty of thoughts about more somber topics, or more controversial topics. The thing is, I don’t want to focus on negative things in life, and I’m not one to write for the sake of being sensational or for shock value. Furthermore, my lack of a desire to create negative controversy or invite drama into my life has a direct effect on the things I invest my time in.

Friday. Yes.

There is an almost palpable shift in the air on a Friday in the office. People are nicer, work seems easier, and I can justify almost anything. Watch.

Long lunch? Welp, it’s Friday! Long morning break? No problem, it’s Friday! Nerdy T-shirt and sneakers to work? Who cares…it’s Friday, hello, get with the program.

It’s quite astonishing, really.

Does everyone have music constantly playing in their heads? What’s it like to have a quiet mind? (clearly yoga and meditation has been a struggle for me, but at least I try)

How does a song make its way into a person’s brain? Like, I just started singing that song Roll to Me by Del Amitri. I had to look up the one line of lyrics I actually knew to figure out what the song was. I haven’t heard it in years. That song came out in 1995. I was 10. Seriously, where did it come from?

How does a school bus driver know where all the bus stops are? I mean, 50 kids on a bus is a lot of kids. I thought buses had like a total of 3 stops. And the kids had to get out and walk home from wherever the closest stop was. (I never rode the bus to school) I got stuck behind a school bus in my neighborhood yesterday and he stopped like 6 times in ‘not very far’ which translates to maybe three streets. There are no signs. Does he have to study a map of the city and memorize? Do the kids know and pull a string? I never saw a string on a bus. It has to be the driver. He must be responsible. (I could keep going, seriously)

What possesses a grown person to take another person’s lunch out of the fridge in the break room?

I write/type fridge instead of refrigerator most of the time because I usually spell refrigerator wrong, which is a huge bummer for me as I am typically quite adept at spelling. (yes, I spelled it wrong. It had the red squiggly line of shame)

Why is there a d in fridge? I mean really, where’d it come from?

Why aren’t office dogs standard for corporations? I mean, they’re just so fluffy. What does it take to get a corporation to allow dogs in the workplace? Cats would be a nightmare, I get that. When a person brings a dog to work, how often do they get to take breaks to take the dog outside for walks?

Is there a study that proves seeing outdoors during work increases productivity?

My lack of a window and office dog severely affects my morale at work. I’ve never had an office dog and only briefly had a window, so it probably doesn’t affect it as much as I’m letting on. I just think both would be great.

I love to eat healthy and really dislike cooking. It’s quite the juxtaposition I haven’t quite overcome yet.

I prefer to binge watch the same TV show on repeat on Netflix rather than start something new. I mean, I know there are a lot of good shows out there. I watched Agents of Shield for the first time and now I’m hooked (it’s incredibly cheesy, but it’s Marvel and Phil Coulson so…duh) Peaky Blinders, same thing. I knew nothing about that show except that Cillian Murphy was in it, and he’s probably in my top 3 favorite actors ever (and he’s Irish, so bonus) so I watched it and LOVED it. I guess my hesitation lies in the fact that my time is valuable (although how valuable is debatable, considering my above statement) and I don’t want to waste it trying a new show/movie that ends up just being awful. Clearly, I’m able to get past that on occasion. But sometimes (who am I kidding, most of the time) I’d prefer to watch something I know is going to make me laugh rather than take a guess.

Pizza is my kryptonite. Seriously, if bribing me is in order, good, thin crust pepperoni pizza is probably your best bet. Well, give it a shot anyway.

Most of the time in my life, I am not a very competitive person. Just the way I’m wired. But let me go ahead put this out there for whatever it’s worth. If you challenge me to a game of Scrabble, it is on. I will show no mercy.

This is getting long and I feel like I should end it and just publish another one later if I want. It has been more facts about me this time around as much as random questions/ideas that I ponder. I’m not sorry. I do feel a little bit badly that anyone reading this is hit with a wall of text. But I’m not motivated enough to insert a bunch of images just for the sake of having them included. I prefer clean lines rather than clutter. Thanks Mom.

[Edit: I just saw an article stating there’s a new non-stick coating out that prevents ketchup from sticking to the inside of the bottle. What a time to be alive.]

For your throwback viewing pleasure: