Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

Friday.

Sometimes when I drive, I have something in my passenger seat like a card or a book, or something else trivial that I certainly don’t need while I’m paying attention to the road, and I’ll make a turn, and said item will go flying off the seat and I react as if it’s fallen into some abyss never to be seen again. Usually grumbling some profanity at the same time. I did this the other day and realized what an overreaction it was. Like, it’ll be there when I park the car.

I’m finding tattoo ideas quicker than I can save money to get them.

Going with the car theme, sneezing in the car is one of the most terrifying things ever. I mean, I know that your eyes only close for half a second, but a lot can happen in a half a second! And there’s NO control over it.

I was surprised to hear that someone is inspired by me. It is flattering, and it’s an honor, but I immediately wonder why. I just imagine all the things that make me so so awkward. I trip over myself constantly, I suffer from crippling self-doubt and insecurity, sometimes I stutter on the phone when I’m trying to run a call and I have a knack for letting things go bad in the fridge. I take an excessive amount of pictures of my cats and I listen to the same music and watch the same shows/movies over and over. I spend an inappropriate amount of time in Walgreen’s trying to decide on new body wash and have almost no impulse control when it comes to Amazon online shopping. I’m just saying. I’m grateful that we as people see things in others that they don’t often see.

When someone says, you really look like you need to have that cup of coffee, is that a veiled way of saying good lord you look tired? I think it might be. That’s ok, it’s probably true. Also, I do need this cup of coffee.

Doing laundry yesterday, I was so proud of myself for getting everything in one load that I didn’t think about whether or not I should’ve. Folding it will be a nightmare. Notice I said will be, because I certainly didn’t do it yesterday.

Sometimes when I hear people sigh, I wonder if it’s a sigh because they’re frustrated, or angry, or remembering something fondly, or if they just really needed to take a big deep breath. I sometimes take deep breaths because it feels good to breathe in as deeply as I can and exhale audibly. I can’t help it. It feels nice. You should try it.

Isn’t it amazing how a person can be in the periphery of your life, and then all of a sudden, they radiate so brightly that you can’t help but notice who they are and what they do and how they make you feel? Friend, coworker, significant other, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes a person just illuminates my life, and I’m tuned in enough these days to notice when they shine. I think that’s wonderful.

I am getting closer to perfecting the pan-cooked steak. I know.

What a hiatus!

I have not been around these parts in a minute! I’ve been using another medium to blog about some things near and dear that I don’t necessarily need everyone to know about but have to work through. With that, plus school, meetings, work, standing appointments, choir, orchestra, and dating, I’ve been incredibly busy.

Crazy how life gets good isn’t it?

Have you ever taken into consideration the random articles found on the roadways? I’m curious. I mentioned this on my Facebook, seeing a random shoe in the median. The responses were varied – some wondered, like me, if a person was so angry that throwing a shoe out of the window was the only natural response. Others thought that perhaps something terrible happened. One person said a ‘friend of hers’ thought that it was proof of an alien abduction. But I mean, I have seen some weird things on the roadside. Baby seat. Couch. Couch cushion. Bookshelf. Shoe. Backpack. I can’t imagine that all of these things bounced out of the back of a truck.

Sometimes I look at pictures of space, and of Earth, and of our Universe and I just get overwhelmed. Does that ever happen to you with anything? I just think about our planets in orbit around the sun, and how incredible it is that such a thing exists at all, and how so many things happen in such a big world that is actually tiny in comparison to the solar system it resides in while hurtling through space. Sometimes it’s a challenge for me to wrap my mind around the god thing, but when I think of all this, I’m convinced that the name doesn’t matter – there’s something out there bigger than me and I’m grateful.

Think about weather, and tides, and how plants and humans help each other out, and tell me that it wasn’t by design. Now look, I’m a firm believer in science and I’m not saying that the world was created in “7 days” by a supreme being. I don’t think there’s a puppet master pulling strings. What I am saying is that it isn’t just coincidence that humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, and that plants absorb carbon dioxide and emit oxygen. That’s one of many examples that I could provide, but I think at this point I’m starting to ramble. It’s just powerful stuff.

I’m *this* close to home-ownership again! Also *this* close to being done with class for the semester. Orchestra concert was Sunday and went off well. I had a few people in the audience this time which was pretty cool. Choir concert is in a month. Closing date for the house would be in a month. I’m dating a neat guy. I’m doing personal training at the gym, I’m sponsoring a gal who seems to really be trying, I’m participating in service commitments…

Basically what I’m saying is I’m so busy I think that sometimes I skate by on adrenaline and caffeine alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I have a few friends who openly protest Thanksgiving, stating that America is celebrating genocide of the Native American population, and I know there are many others who believe that way. Lots of protests by Native American tribes take place on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, many Native Americans are supportive of Thanksgiving, as the main purpose of the day is to give thanks to whatever you believe in for the things we have in life. I think initially it was a day of thanks for the first successful harvest. Of course, there are those who will say history has been changed and what the books say does not accurately reflect what really happened. I guess we’ll never know for sure.What I love is that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. As long as you don’t force your beliefs on me, we’re good.

That being said, I love Thanksgiving, with all of the drama of trying to get the food prepared at the same time, making sure the potatoes aren’t too lumpy or too smooth. I swear, someday I’m going to master what ‘until it looks right’ means when my mom tells me to add milk to the potatoes. I like looking at ads at what I’d buy if I had all the money in the world or the bravery to try to shop on Black Friday. I like having football on the TV while we nap, going to the meeting, playing games, eating pie. What I really want to do that I have never done is see the lighting ceremony in our downtown area. I am hoping I can this year. I’ve been here 30 years and never experienced it. I mean I’ve seen the lights. I just haven’t seen them light up for the first time. Ya get me.

Wow. This thing is all over the place. Well, kinda like my brain I guess. You’re welcome.

Friday took forever to get here.

What if what I think is random isn’t so random?

Do you do things you don’t want to do because you know that even if you don’t want to it’s the right thing to do? Adulting.

I am surprised that I am apprehensive to go on vacation tomorrow considering I already traveled alone much further away, but I suppose it’s healthy to be a little afraid. Right? RIGHT?

I am looking forward to reading a lot.

How does one figure out what to write about? Just, generally speaking. Generally.

It’s funny, I see a list of movies that are leaving Netflix and I’m outraged that I didn’t even know some of them were AVAILABLE on Netflix and then I remember I watch the same 2 or 3 shows all the time and consider the fact that maybe I need to branch out more.

If I want to travel internationally again next year, I should start figuring out where I want to go now. Or soon-ish.

Figuring out who I am, what I like and what I want, and learning how to speak up and voice all of that, has been a terrifying and also quite rewarding experience. I get to exercise my right to say yes, and to say no, and deal with whatever the fallout is from those actions. I get to choose. It’s cool. I realize that speaking your mind and saying no when you don’t want to do something or yes when you do may not be new for a lot of people. It is new for me. I’m liking it a lot.

Tattoo in Florida? Mayyyyybe….

Grown-up Stuff is Scary

So it turns out buying a house is absolutely terrifying. I mean, incredibly exciting, and exhilarating, but also terrifying and an incredibly emotional thing. I wasn’t prepared for the roller-coaster.  But, hey! I bought a house! Now, to pack. And do schoolwork. And work. And meetings. And gym. At least I can’t say I’m bored.

Long weekends make me wish that I never had to go back to work.

Why do cats wait until dark and quiet to completely terrorize each other?

It turns out I was posting in another blog for a more specific purpose but I didn’t have it listed on my profile so all the traffic was coming here. And I thought it was a mistake with the tracking on the site. Clearly an operator error.

Corn on the cob – how is it so delicious? Of all the stereotypes I fit into regarding the Midwest, loving corn on the cob is at the top of the list.

How many times does it take spilling coffee out of a new mug before realizing how to drink it appropriately? Apparently at least 3 times for me.

How far away does a storm have to be to see constant lightning and hear no rumbling of thunder that follows? I am fascinated by nature.

I keep thinking it’s Monday. It is not Monday.

I bought a house!

Apple Cinnamon Cheerios are a close second

In this day and age, where everyone has a camera and filters and everyone fancies themselves a photographer, is it a silly dream to want to be one? Not just a mediocre one, but a good one? Is it silly at 30 to finish one degree and start another that is completely different?

How is it that a plant can grow without soil?

It’s really true what they say, silence can absolutely be golden.

When you think about the universe, is it something that scares you or excites you?

I saw a truck on the interstate today that was carrying burial tombs. Not caskets. Like, full on tombs, decorated to the hilt. I didn’t even know there was a market for such a thing.

I feel like I’m wasting my life behind a desk doing a job that anyone could do, not really doing anything to benefit anyone else. It’s infuriating, to a degree, to realize that if I left, my presence would not be missed here. My circle of influence, for lack of a better term, is quite limited.

HyVee delivers groceries. It was a monumental day in my life once discovered. Yes, I used it. Yes, it was worth $4.95. Yes, I’ll do it again. I’m saving money by not going out to eat all the time, and I’ve got a variety of choices. It’s nice.

Sometimes people at work communicate in such a way that initially makes me bristle. Then I remember that it really doesn’t matter.

Golden Grahams might be the best cereal ever.

It’s amazing

I got more likes on a post with a content than a post I put a lot of work into.

When I hit publish there was text here, I swear. I’m sure i managed to do something to snarl it up. I’ll try again. Be patient, blogging from my phone is a pain.

So, I’ve now been to Dublin, Cork, and Killarney. Been to the city centers and the countryside. I’ve seen The Hill of Tara, Trim Castle, Loughcrew, Monasterboice, Drogheda, St. Andrews Church, O’Connell Street, Trinity College, Kinsale, Charles Fort, and the mouth of the Atlantic. I’ve met wonderful people, fed horses apples, been showered with puppy love, walked so far my legs felt those pinpricks when I finally reached my destination, and slept like a rock.

This truly has been an amazing trip and there is still so much ahead of me! I’m incredibly lucky and grateful each day that I’m here, that I saved money so I don’t have to worry about cash (even though actually getting that cash is a pain) and that I’m connected back home with technology.

Killarney so far is the most beautiful city, but the bed and breakfast in Balinhassig outside of Cork has been the best place I’ve stayed. Sweetest hostess with homemade strawberry rhubarb pie to greet me after a long day of travel, 4 dogs, 5 horses, and Billy the pony. Animals fill my cup, and I was loved by the dogs on a day when I was incredibly homesick. Also, the views were amazing.

Billy the pony.

Today is Dingle Bay and Slea Head. 7 hour tour, then dinner in the city center, maybe a ghost tour of the city or maybe another walk back to the bed and breakfast. I love that I can really do whatever I want. It’s really nice.

There is a lot to post, but I smell breakfast and my stomach is now awake. So, more later.

Jumanji!

Do you find yourself trying to do daily activities and struggling, and then suffering embarrassment when someone notices? Monday I was trying to get a paper towel to dry my hands in the bathroom, and I could not get it. It was a brand new roll and someone squeezed that sucker onto the roller and there was clearly no room for the roll to roll. Anyway, I think I may have whimpered a little bit trying to pry the paper towel off, right as another woman walked in. I promptly left the bathroom. With wet hands. I should’ve waited to see how she handled the situation. That probably would’ve been creepier.

I had lunch with my dad yesterday- that was fun. Then I spilled pizza down my shirt. That was not as much fun.

Tell me this. Why is it that when someone sneaks up on someone else in a movie with a weapon, like say, Phil Coulson sneaks up on Loki in the Avengers, why do they always talk first? I mean, I get it. You have something clever or witty to say. Shoot them, and then say your piece. I mean, it’s a classic mistake.

I did not sleep well last night. My brain would not shut down. It was apparently on overdrive, and I couldn’t get comfortable. It was one of those mornings where I was conscious, just waiting for the alarm to go off. Given that, I got to work really early. So, bonus?

I laugh at the same jokes in movies almost every time, or at least smile in appreciation. I am a rewatcher of movies. I guess I just don’t always want to take the chance of watching something new and having it be terrible. Every once in a while I break out, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched some of my favorites. I know all the lines, I know the jokes when they’re coming, and I am still amused. For what it’s worth, don’t try that in real life. If you tell me the same joke every day, there will come a point where I will give you a death stare and walk away before you finish. It does not translate to real life.

Speaking of movies, I can’t wait for Jurassic World. Judge all you want, it looks fantastic.

I have started preliminary packing. Laying things out, etc. I have a birthday to celebrate a bit on Saturday so I have a feeling Sunday is going to be a mad dash to get everything. I can’t figure out if I’m going to under-pack or over-pack. I’m trying not to panic but I’m freaking out a little bit. I need to make a new checklist.

People never cease to amaze me.

Sounds silly, but I was in bed and the cats jumped up last night, and I realized that I’m going to miss them. I’m such a softie. I mean, I know they’ll be fine, but 10 days without someone with them overnight is a long time. I’m lucky I have friends who are willing to come over and spend time with them. They’ve been my comfort and entertainment for the past 7 years, it’s amazing how much a person can love a pet.

(I made a new checklist. I already feel better)

Fashion Trends are Overrated

I need to keep a notepad next to my bed. I have weird dreams.

Seems like waterproof hiking shoes were a good purchase, given the places I’m going and tours I’m taking.

Seems like most women do not wear rain coats. Let’s be honest, I’ll be pegged as a tourist the second I step on the street. After reading about fashion dos and don’ts, I realized that I don’t even follow fashion rules here. Why would I try to overseas? Good grief. I know how to keep it classy and goodness knows I’m not one for high heels or short skirts so, I think we’re good. Layers, hoodies, hat, scarf, who knows what else. (I might be starting to freak out a little bit, just go with it)

A night with a girlfriend is exactly what I needed – the ability to connect with people on an emotional level is something I am grateful for today.

I say ‘What are you doin’ to my cats more often than you might think. 7 years and they still get into all kinds of trouble. In the best way. They make my life more interesting, and definitely keep me on my toes. Love them.

I think having plants in a home is a necessity. I buy ones that can’t easily be killed. It’s better that way.

Building muscle is fun. Now I need to change my diet up just a bit to ensure I’m protecting that muscle (read: more protein).

I haven’t painted in over a month – I hope to do that on Sunday. Make some time to just sit and be and do. It’s been a challenge lately.

It’s supposed to be 60’s and sunny this weekend so I may actually have the opportunity to pull weeds too. A life with a yard.

I have a deluxe Scrabble board that I got for Christmas that has never been used. That really needs to be rectified.

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries you guys, I’m telling you. Every character is admirable in some way – the main 4 characters especially. I could go on and on but I won’t – I tend to get a bit verbose on things like that. Just, do yourself a favor and check it out if you like that sort of thing.

Grocery store. Also something I need to do this weekend (as much as I hate it). As close as Ireland is, I still have a week of work, food, chores, and gym to complete, with a few appointments sprinkled in there.

Happy weekend.

Life Twists

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus. I haven’t felt the need or urge to write much as of late. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, creativity comes in waves like anything else. Or in my case, I just haven’t let the crazy out.

Ever feel as if everything in your life is up in the air? I guess that’s how I’ve been the past two weeks. Coming to some semblance of acceptance of it all has been challenging. I’ve thrown myself into the gym (did biceps and back on Saturday and I’m just now able to *almost* straighten my arms without pain) and into planning more specifics for my trip (11 days, I’m ready now).

It’s beautiful outside today – it has been rainy and cloudy lately. Today the sun is shining and it is pleasantly warm. Might have to go for a short bike ride.

So, in the 1930’s it was common to use the word ‘whatever’ where we would now use the word ‘whatsoever’ and I’m curious to know when that changed. It’s on my list of things to look up.

When I want to isolate, my friends reach out. I’m grateful for them. I have plans when I don’t want to have plans, which usually works out in my best interest because I end up having a lot of fun at said plans, when I would not have had as much fun alone. Life is funny that way.