Rollercoaster

The human ability to feel multiple emotions at one time is baffling to me. Stop. Just stop it.

I could not work as a promotions person at a cable company, or anywhere else for that matter. No, I don’t want your bundle package with “free” HBO price protected for 40 dollars a month for 12 months. To pat my own back, I did let her complete her delivery before I politely explained that I’m the only person in my home and I don’t watch cable. Of course came the second attempt at a smaller deal for less money. To which I again replied, no thank you. It takes tenacity that I just don’t have. Sales. I am not cut out for it.

You ever get that feeling where physically you know you’re hungry but mentally there is no desire to eat? It doesn’t happen to me very often because, quite frankly, I love food. But that’s where I am today. I know I have a terrible headache because I have had no food or drink since I woke up 5 hours ago, but ugh.

Speaking of food and water – for any Marvel fan out there, please explain something to me if possible. Does Heimdall ever get a break to eat/drink/sleep/potty? I mean, the dude watches over all 9 realms. He’s got special abilities that let him do so. Do those abilities extend to the toilet? Or to dreams? If not, who else is qualified to take over that job while he gets a little shut eye?

When having a bad day, there is something about seeing my mom or dad that allows me to not be strong and just have a cry about it. I’m grateful that my relationship with my parents is such that I am able to do so. I know that is not the case for everyone.

Having a Monster in place of a meal is probably not a good idea, eh?

How does someone steal my credit card information when I have the card on me? Who uses said credit card at a petrol station in the UK for $1.55? I mean, is that the pre-auth charge for a tank of petrol? To credit Capital One, that happened this morning and they put my account on lock down almost immediately. I had two fraudulent transactions worth less than $5. Fist bump Capital One fraud department.

Apparently I had confused or combined RoboCop and Terminator, because I thought RoboCop was a bad guy. (he’s not)

I am reminded that my health plan at work sucks when the doctor suggests I get a CT scan for my head, and I choose to pass because my deductible is so high that I’m unwilling to pay for it. It took me a week before I finally admitted I might need to go to the doctor after an injury! They did the manual test in the office and everything was fine, so I’m fine. I’m still paying off the balance from my bout with the flu last year that left me in the hospital for three days. #grownupproblems

This line from Desiderata gets me every time. It’s on my wall at work and I try to read it daily.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

Hello

I can’t walk into the break room and NOT hit stop on a microwave if they have extra time on them.

The movie You’ve Got Mail is full of obsolete references. Book stores are a thing of the past anymore (I think Barnes and Noble is holding on by a thread) and I’m not sure of the numbers but I’d guess that AOL usage has dropped significantly as well. (I still love that movie, Meg Ryan’s hair was outstanding)

Do you ever drive and wonder where the other people are driving to? I like to imagine that someone driving way too fast weaving through traffic is speeding to get a hospital to see the birth of a baby or something. It lessens the incredulity I feel.

I am always amazed at how people come into my life at the exact moment I need them.

Something I have learned is that most of the time, I just don’t really care if you like me or not, which is a far cry from where I was a few years ago. It’s not that I behave badly and don’t care. I take principled actions and do the best I can with what I have, and I try to just do the next right thing in front of me, whatever that is. Sometimes I’m more successful at that than others. It’s just that, I know now that I will not be friends with everyone in the universe, and that’s ok. There are people that I don’t like. I respect them, and I can appreciate what they do as far as their career or their goal to help people or whatever the case may be, but I don’t like them. So I should expect the same goes for me. There’s a freedom in not freaking out about making sure everyone wants to be my friend.

Bagged wet grass has to be one of the worst smelling things on the planet. Yuck.

On the other hand, a freshly mowed lawn is incredibly rewarding.

I tried cooking a roast in the slow cooker. It came out like a rock. However, the salsa chicken I made was on point. (I’ve been given instructions for when I attempt to cook a roast again)

There is nothing like waking up next to someone and being pulled into a morning cuddle.

Cleaning out my house of all the things I don’t wear/won’t use anymore is like losing a hundred pounds. Seriously, the previously unusable third bedroom at my house is now clean, arranged, smells like sage and citrus (one of my favorites) and has become my yoga/stretching/work-out room. I love it.

At this point in my life, when I have things to do it is harder to nap. I get this tight, anxious feeling in my chest which is not conducive to sleeping.

(p.s. I’m definitely changing the title of this to Random Musings)

Oreos without milk? Heathen.

I trip over nothing on a consistent basis.

I’m astonished at the number of times people can be told something without them listening.

Do ever notice something that you do without realizing it, and then become acutely aware of that thing? I clench my jaw and my fists. I don’t know that I’m doing it, and then I’ll get a pull in my neck or my hands will start to ache and I’m like wow, stop doing that thing, only to go through it all again. I wonder why that is.

I was told that I’m crazy, based on the things I share here. Which, is probably true.

Yes. Please. Please leave your cell phone ringer on blast and, once it starts ringing, listen to the whole song before you answer. Also, if you could do that while I’m on a call with senior management, that would be ideal. That way I have the opportunity to explain it to them.

I want to be a good cook. I am not a good cook. I’m not a terrible cook, but because I don’t know what flavors should go together, I really depend on recipes to help me. So, I’m going to try using my crock pots tomorrow. Shredded beef dip and salsa chicken. (I am wary)

People who intentionally try to get under the skin of others are incredibly rude.

If a butterfly lands on you, the rest of the day just has to be awesome right? That didn’t happen to me today but I just figured that if it did…

How does it make sense that I feel like I need to get in shape to be seen at the gym? Seriously? HELLO, Earth to me! Although, to be fair, I see a lot of gym shaming pictures online, which kind of breaks my heart. People are going there to better themselves, maybe rather than posting pictures online you could encourage or help them. #justsayin

Turn down the volume please.

Sometimes I forget I have freckles. Then someone points them out and I’m instantly self-conscious about them.

Amazon Prime now has streaming music and that’s awesome.

I slammed my head into my freezer door handle yesterday and now I can’t raise my eyebrows without pain. Which is too bad, because I’ve come to realize I raise my eyebrows a lot, generally speaking. (update: my head really hurts)

Why is going to the movie theater so appealing? I mean, thankfully the past few times I have gone, it has been at down times crowd-wise so the theater has been quiet, but the movie costs a small fortune with popcorn and soda. Thankfully I have a student ID, but still.

The feeling of love, loving someone and being loved, is intoxicating. It is therapeutic on a sad day. It is light in the darkness. I am surrounded by family and friends that love me and allow me to love them. It’s an amazing thing.

What deems a handbag worthy of costing so much damn money? Seriously? $495 for a purse? Think of all the gas tanks and bills that would cover! And Chipotle! (Apparently I am what you call ‘low maintenance’ which sounds like a negative thing but I think it’s probably ok)

I don’t get why businesses give out little to no sick time for employees to take. I mean, logically I understand it costs money to either pay them to be gone or to not pay them to be gone but to be down a body – however – isn’t it appropriate to keep sickness away from infecting other people in the workforce? Seriously.

Seriously. Fingernail clipping at work has got to stop. Every snip sends shivers down my spine.

What is it about the sunshine makes everything more enjoyable?

I find that often I am in the middle of a situation and I have no idea how I got there. Usually work related. I’ll find myself on a call wondering how it is that I was brought into the discussion in the first place. I tend to solidify my place fairly quickly but it is a strange occurrence.

Kick Monday’s Ass

I’ve been away for a few days. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that my life gets so busy that I hardly have time to think straight! Then, when I do have time over the weekend, I’m usually in the company of someone else, and the last thing I want to do at that point is plug back into my computer. I stare at a screen a lot during the week, so weekend posting is hit and miss, for sure.

Why is driving in the rain so exhausting? I love the sound of rain, sitting on the porch or in my house, but pounding on the exterior of my car it becomes quite annoying.

Words have the ability to cut a person down or build them up. Even the tone of how words are said can be a determining factor in how they are perceived by others. I have to remember that. Words are powerful. I still remember kind, and mean, things that were said to me as far back as 2nd grade, so ya know, I need to be conscious of my words and choose them carefully.

I wish that I could capture a moment in time in my brain and freeze frame it forever. Wouldn’t that be a cool superpower? I mean, I have memories that I can look back on but they always fade or become more challenging to pull up because of all the life I continue to live.

I wonder what it is like to go to work every day doing what you’re passionate about. I know several people who wake up and are thrilled to go in to work. It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. I just, ya know those people who are like, I was born to do this. And they do it and they get paid for it? Lucky.

What is it about a made bed that makes me feel like I’ve got my life together?

It amazes me that the whole weekend is over already. It was such a whirlwind. Constantly moving, which isn’t a bad thing.

Choir concert last night with Ola Gjelo was great. Far drive in the rain two days in a row, but it was a fun performance. On that note (see what I did there, with the pun?) choir rehearsal was cancelled for tonight and I’m a little bit excited about having a night to get some things done around the house, without having to leave for anything.

It also amazes me that I can be excited for a night to get my house cleaned and food cooked for the week. Clearly, I like to live on the edge.

People in this world can do outstanding things. Trying to focus on that rather than all the calamity in the world helps me to stay positive. Not that I want to be ignorant or uninformed, but I don’t want the world to drag me down.

Why does one side of the nose get clogged and when does the body decide it’s time to switch sides and how does that decision get made? Like, ok left nostril, you’ve put in your work for the morning, it’s time for everything to switch sides. Congestion, retreat to the alternate side and resume your business. What? I don’t get that.

I want a big bowl of creamy chicken alfredo pasta. I want to eat every bite without feeling guilty. Since that will never, ever happen, what I’ll do is not that. But man, it is definitely one of my favorite things. (Mmm food)

I also really enjoy napping. I managed to sneak in a 20 minute nap on Saturday, which was refreshing enough to get through the next portion of the day, but I adore falling asleep on the couch for an hour. It’s bad when I wake up in the morning and within the first few minutes of stretching and making my bed, start thinking about how great it will be to nap. I used to nap to escape, but now I nap because I’m up enjoying my life so much that I’ll take sleep when I can get it. (word)

My life is really, really good today. And I can see how good it is, and I’m grateful for that.

This Moment

Just how little sleep can an adult function properly on?

I think inspiring someone is pretty cool.

Why is it that when I start to experience a bit of serenity and a quiet mind, my brain decides to go into overdrive and identify some inconsequential question and begins to worry about it?

I’ve found that when I get like that, I can either choose to continue down that path of needless worry and indulge in my fear of the unknown, setting myself up for a terrible day, or, I can remind myself every time the question comes up (because it will be often throughout the day) that the answer does not matter, that knowing is not necessary, and that my day does not have to be dictated or controlled by one thought.

Sometimes, that is serious work.

It’s a great feeling to be genuinely happy for someone else’s joy. No envy or misplaced jealousy, no feeling of being slighted, just happiness for their happiness.

What’s it like to live where mountains, city, ocean and forest are a stone’s throw away from each other? Seriously. I don’t mind where I live, I’ve been here my whole life and my entire support system is here. But there are a lot of places I’d like to go and spend time. I love nature and being outside – its a way for me to connect with the universe.

How is it that time goes so slowly at the office and so quickly at home?

When did people first start writing comic strips? Were they scribbled out haphazardly and hidden away hundreds of years ago? I don’t see any ancient ‘Funnies’ being restored.

I have had to alternate between heat and air at my house because I can’t open the windows due to excessive noise from the highway. And the airplanes. I mean I could, but it’s so loud. Like, so loud. Definitely can’t sleep with the windows open, which is too bad. Although, considering the allergens in the air this year, maybe I’m better off.

Why do I hate doing laundry so much? Because it’s never ending? Because I have to wait for things to dry before I can make progress so it takes forever? I have no clue. I seriously can’t stand it though.

I used to think I had all this wisdom to share with the world. Little nuggets of truth that I’d learned that you’d read and it would just be like “BOOM”  life-changing moment. I don’t think that anymore. What I’ve come to realize is I really don’t know a whole lot about much. Not that I’m not intelligent. I believe I’m fairly smart, and can hold intelligent conversation about a plethora of topics at length. What I mean is, when it comes to life things, I’m constantly learning more.

I was told that the way I attack life is great. It made me thing about how I actually attack life. Sideways, mostly. I do what I have to so that I can do what I want to. It doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time, or that I’m feeling particularly fulfilled, or that I don’t want for something more or different. I’m just trying to let go of what I think I want in the future so that whatever’s out there for me can happen. Does that make sense? I don’t know. I just know that in high school and college I wanted the husband, 2 kids, dog, white picket fence, career, car, and the like. Now I’m almost 30 and I don’t have a husband, or kids, I have 2 cats, no picket fence, a decent job and a car that I can trust. So, 2 out of 6. And ya know, I’m pretty content, all things considered. It’s just interesting to me the way things seem to unfold in my life. And looking back, if I had gotten what I thought I wanted at 21 or 22, I’m not sure how happy I would’ve been. I guess I’m just feeling gratitude today for where I am. Today. Right now. Not worrying about where I’ve been or where I’m going. Just being glad for the moment.

Right now, the moment is pretty spectacular.

there you are

Maybe I should rename this blog sporadic musings. That way I’m less likely to feel poorly if I don’t get to posting in a day.

I’m happy to report that Arthur is growing roots. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have no idea when there are enough to put him in a pot. We’re not even close yet, but that’ll be something to research.

People are amazing. In good ways and bad ways.

I hate Mondays. Not just because of the work week, but because the magic of the weekend seems to disappear completely once Monday morning rolls around. I hate that.

I LOVE a sunrise after a stormy night, when there are still some clouds in the sky, and it’s all grays and pinks. I’d love to figure out how to paint something like that.

Orchestra performance was yesterday afternoon and it was a full house. It was wonderful to be on stage. I hope I can continue to participate when their repertoire calls for percussion.

Why are people so afraid to talk? To just be open and honest? I understand the vulnerability there – but I can’t imagine that being vulnerable with a person would make them care about you less. I don’t know, I just don’t get it. I’m not saying we should all go blab our dirty laundry to every person we meet – trust is earned. But once that trust is established, what keeps people from being open? Fear?

I wonder what it feels like to float in space.

Fabric that stretches out after having pulled up my sleeves one time is quite annoying. Now I cannot pull my sleeves back down without looking like my forearms are swimming in a sea of holey blue fabric. (It is in this moment that I remember why I do not wear this sweater. It shall go to the Goodwill pile!)

I can crack my right thumb 2 or 3 times in a row, and I do it randomly throughout the day. I think it might be from texting. It’s incredibly satisfying when it cracks, but when I try and it doesn’t, I’m left with a discomfort that leads me to continue the attempt until it happens at least once. There’s something not right about that, I’d think. I’m weird. (It’s the only finger that does that too, btw)

Why is it so difficult to pay for things I need to, like the oil change my car is currently undergoing, or groceries, but it is so easy to pay for the things I want to, like energy drinks. Or shoes.

That whole ‘Treat people the way you want to be treated’ thing is on point.

Just how many types of apples are there? Seriously there are so many.

Life

Remember how I’m trying to grow a plant in my cubicle? I know it’s only been a week but I’m not seeing any roots yet and fear that Arty is not going to make it. Cross your fingers.

How is it that I can completely forget events going on that I’ve been preparing for months for? My orchestra concert is this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! Tonight is my last orchestra rehearsal! That’s kinda sad. I’m grateful for the experience though. It’s been wonderful.

Who thought trampolines were a good idea, ever? I mean really? They’re death traps. (I may or may not have injured myself on one yesterday) My point is – what was the original purpose of a trampoline? Who decided it would be a good idea to stretch that material on springs and jump on it? I’m guessing for science. But I do not know.

Do people who have automatic lights on their cars just assume that if they don’t come on automatically they aren’t necessary? It’s been rainy and gloomy here all week. Turn on your lights people. I pulled out onto a main street thinking I had all kinds of time only to see a camouflaged car at the last second. I had to hit the gas like mad, in the rain, over train tracks. I checked my rear-view a few times and they finally turned their lights on about 2 blocks down the road. Seriously?

Why is it that I struggle with asking people to come support me in the things that I am passionate about? I always feel like it’s an inconvenience or that I shouldn’t be proud of what I’m doing. That has to be something deep within myself, something about people pleasing that I don’t want to invite people to come to my performances because I don’t want to take the chance that they might not enjoy it or they might get bored. Which is dumb, because I’ve gone to things I didn’t want to go to in the spirit of supporting the people I care about. Why shouldn’t I give other people the opportunity to do the same? Life is challenging.

So in the movie Avatar (which I may or may not have watched last night) I am curious, did Jake’s human body get tired while he was running around in his Na’vi body? Or were they completely separate? I mean I know he needed to sleep after, but was he physically exhausted? (note: I had forgotten how good that movie was) Did you know they’re making a sequel? Split into 3 movies? I KNOW. It’s very exciting.

Also, I love the idea of energy flowing through all things, and the line in the movie about how everything is made up of borrowed energy…

“She talks about a network of energy that flows through all living things. All energy is only borrowed. And one day you have to give it back.”

I think that’s a beautiful way to view the universe.

I’m bad at titles

I finally went to a doctor – turns out I have a deep maxillary infection. Whatever that is. The medicine is working, I feel like a person again. That’s awesome.

How is it I get so attached to fictional characters? Books, TV, movies, doesn’t matter.

It is amazing to me that I can be bored and restless and also lazy at the same time. What is that about?

The thought of using nasal spray reminds me of being a child in my grandparents car, driving to some family dinner or something, being persuaded (read: being told) that it was the only way to feel better. I’m sure it will work, but I’m hesitant. Amazing how memories stay with a person.

I wonder what it feels like to be a guy who can grow an amazing set of mutton chops or a huge beard. Is it the same as growing long luscious locks as a woman? I don’t think its the same. I have no clue. I imagine there’s a sense of accomplishment and pride there.

My mom just told me she was going on a helicopter ride in Hawaii. A HELICOPTER ride! She’s so brave! I want to be brave like that – and the idea sounds awesome but I dunno if I’d have the guts to go through with it.

Phil Coulson is just awesome. Seriously watch Agents of SHIELD if you like Marvel comics at all. It’s super cheesy. But it’s super awesome. (Fitz is one of those characters I’m irrationally attached to. Agent Hand is one that just drives me crazy.)

My Ireland trip is 62 days away. That’s something to ponder.

If one friend tries harder than the other to maintain the friendship, is it worth continuing the effort? When do you call it?

I’ll never get used to going into my parent’s house and not having the dogs run to greet me.

I’ve typed about 4 different thoughts here and decided they weren’t worth sharing, which means I’m probably done.

Home.

Saturday in Colorado and I woke up without an alarm for the first time in weeks. It was awesome.

I’m not sure that I have allergies, I might just be getting a cold.

Update. Sunday morning. It’s a cold. Yesterday we had a relaxing morning, went to the zoo and abandoned that attempt as the parking lot was just insane. Went to the botanical gardens instead. Beautiful weather.

I took a drive last night and watched the sun set behind the mountains… the colors were just beautiful. I just wonder if, after being here for so long, that awe goes away?

You know that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night sick, and your eyes are all watery and dry at the same time, and your nose is stuffed and running at the same time? What is that about?? Being sick is the worst. (Note, I always get whiney when I’m sick. Forgive me)

Morning stretches/push ups rock my world. Just saying.

Why is it sometimes we have crazy dreams? I had crazy dreams last night about crime fighting and I was getting promoted and hanging out with Nick Fury and I was riding a motorcycle. It was awesome. Then I met Damon Benning and he was a superhero. (I love listening to him on 98.5) I don’t always dream like that though and I don’t always remember my dreams either. The human brain is just crazy!

Update: Sunday evening. I have no idea if it’s a cold or allergies but whatever it is can just go away any time now!

I don’t have a lot of questions today. Just gratitude for a good trip, a safe drive both ways, my couch and my Netflix. (I have my bags unpacked and laundry going, thank you very much)

Most interesting sign I saw?

Caution: Correctional facility. Do not stop for hitchhikers.

I laughed out loud and then immediately wondered if a specific event occurred to spur that sign’s creation, or if it was just a cautionary post.