Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

What a hiatus!

I have not been around these parts in a minute! I’ve been using another medium to blog about some things near and dear that I don’t necessarily need everyone to know about but have to work through. With that, plus school, meetings, work, standing appointments, choir, orchestra, and dating, I’ve been incredibly busy.

Crazy how life gets good isn’t it?

Have you ever taken into consideration the random articles found on the roadways? I’m curious. I mentioned this on my Facebook, seeing a random shoe in the median. The responses were varied – some wondered, like me, if a person was so angry that throwing a shoe out of the window was the only natural response. Others thought that perhaps something terrible happened. One person said a ‘friend of hers’ thought that it was proof of an alien abduction. But I mean, I have seen some weird things on the roadside. Baby seat. Couch. Couch cushion. Bookshelf. Shoe. Backpack. I can’t imagine that all of these things bounced out of the back of a truck.

Sometimes I look at pictures of space, and of Earth, and of our Universe and I just get overwhelmed. Does that ever happen to you with anything? I just think about our planets in orbit around the sun, and how incredible it is that such a thing exists at all, and how so many things happen in such a big world that is actually tiny in comparison to the solar system it resides in while hurtling through space. Sometimes it’s a challenge for me to wrap my mind around the god thing, but when I think of all this, I’m convinced that the name doesn’t matter – there’s something out there bigger than me and I’m grateful.

Think about weather, and tides, and how plants and humans help each other out, and tell me that it wasn’t by design. Now look, I’m a firm believer in science and I’m not saying that the world was created in “7 days” by a supreme being. I don’t think there’s a puppet master pulling strings. What I am saying is that it isn’t just coincidence that humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, and that plants absorb carbon dioxide and emit oxygen. That’s one of many examples that I could provide, but I think at this point I’m starting to ramble. It’s just powerful stuff.

I’m *this* close to home-ownership again! Also *this* close to being done with class for the semester. Orchestra concert was Sunday and went off well. I had a few people in the audience this time which was pretty cool. Choir concert is in a month. Closing date for the house would be in a month. I’m dating a neat guy. I’m doing personal training at the gym, I’m sponsoring a gal who seems to really be trying, I’m participating in service commitments…

Basically what I’m saying is I’m so busy I think that sometimes I skate by on adrenaline and caffeine alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I have a few friends who openly protest Thanksgiving, stating that America is celebrating genocide of the Native American population, and I know there are many others who believe that way. Lots of protests by Native American tribes take place on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, many Native Americans are supportive of Thanksgiving, as the main purpose of the day is to give thanks to whatever you believe in for the things we have in life. I think initially it was a day of thanks for the first successful harvest. Of course, there are those who will say history has been changed and what the books say does not accurately reflect what really happened. I guess we’ll never know for sure.What I love is that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. As long as you don’t force your beliefs on me, we’re good.

That being said, I love Thanksgiving, with all of the drama of trying to get the food prepared at the same time, making sure the potatoes aren’t too lumpy or too smooth. I swear, someday I’m going to master what ‘until it looks right’ means when my mom tells me to add milk to the potatoes. I like looking at ads at what I’d buy if I had all the money in the world or the bravery to try to shop on Black Friday. I like having football on the TV while we nap, going to the meeting, playing games, eating pie. What I really want to do that I have never done is see the lighting ceremony in our downtown area. I am hoping I can this year. I’ve been here 30 years and never experienced it. I mean I’ve seen the lights. I just haven’t seen them light up for the first time. Ya get me.

Wow. This thing is all over the place. Well, kinda like my brain I guess. You’re welcome.

I love hobbies.

Can you imagine what it was like to discover the universe? I mean, to figure out that something in space was actually another planet, or to figure out the sun was the center of the universe? That we were actually moving around the sun and not the other way around? I wonder what it was like back then.

Hey! Conningsby! Come take a look through this telescope chap, and tell me what you see! By jove, it’s a planet I tell you!

Look I’m just saying it’d definitely be a life altering moment. If I had the smarts, I’d do science stuff. Space is fascinating guys.

Road workers have the most terrifying jobs. Ok maybe not most, but they’re up there. Driving home last night, watching guys put cones out on the INTERSTATE while people were flying around them going way too fast, I just pondered how absolutely terrifying it’d be to do that job. I also realized I had never seen them in the process of blocking off lanes.

I walked away from the house – the inspection was just awful. Too many big things to fix. It was sad, but I feel better about the decision today. So, back to the search.

I have actually felt an inspiration to paint something, which I’ve not had yet, or acknowledged at least. I’m looking forward to doing it, I just don’t know WHEN.

I’ve found that pictures hanging in my cubicle make me hate it less. I wonder if there’s a limit on how many personal items we can have at our desk. I have a handful, at least. I’ve never heard anything of the sort here, but at other big companies I have had friends who had to clear off personal items. Which I think is just ridiculous. Especially when we have no windows. If I have a troll with neon pink hair to keep me company on my desk, why should anyone care? (I don’t have one, but that’d be pretty sweet).

I got a guitar from my uncle to play for a while – I can’t wait. Hearing the strings, feeling them beneath my fingers, that full, rich sound, there’s nothing like it. I’m terribly out of practice, but the point is just to play. It’ll come back to me.

I’m sad to see summer go but I am ready for boots, hoodies and leaves crunching under my feet. Fall is my favorite. Just don’t think too much about what comes after fall. Stay in the moment, it’s much more fun.

Kick Monday’s Ass

I’ve been away for a few days. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that my life gets so busy that I hardly have time to think straight! Then, when I do have time over the weekend, I’m usually in the company of someone else, and the last thing I want to do at that point is plug back into my computer. I stare at a screen a lot during the week, so weekend posting is hit and miss, for sure.

Why is driving in the rain so exhausting? I love the sound of rain, sitting on the porch or in my house, but pounding on the exterior of my car it becomes quite annoying.

Words have the ability to cut a person down or build them up. Even the tone of how words are said can be a determining factor in how they are perceived by others. I have to remember that. Words are powerful. I still remember kind, and mean, things that were said to me as far back as 2nd grade, so ya know, I need to be conscious of my words and choose them carefully.

I wish that I could capture a moment in time in my brain and freeze frame it forever. Wouldn’t that be a cool superpower? I mean, I have memories that I can look back on but they always fade or become more challenging to pull up because of all the life I continue to live.

I wonder what it is like to go to work every day doing what you’re passionate about. I know several people who wake up and are thrilled to go in to work. It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. I just, ya know those people who are like, I was born to do this. And they do it and they get paid for it? Lucky.

What is it about a made bed that makes me feel like I’ve got my life together?

It amazes me that the whole weekend is over already. It was such a whirlwind. Constantly moving, which isn’t a bad thing.

Choir concert last night with Ola Gjelo was great. Far drive in the rain two days in a row, but it was a fun performance. On that note (see what I did there, with the pun?) choir rehearsal was cancelled for tonight and I’m a little bit excited about having a night to get some things done around the house, without having to leave for anything.

It also amazes me that I can be excited for a night to get my house cleaned and food cooked for the week. Clearly, I like to live on the edge.

People in this world can do outstanding things. Trying to focus on that rather than all the calamity in the world helps me to stay positive. Not that I want to be ignorant or uninformed, but I don’t want the world to drag me down.

Why does one side of the nose get clogged and when does the body decide it’s time to switch sides and how does that decision get made? Like, ok left nostril, you’ve put in your work for the morning, it’s time for everything to switch sides. Congestion, retreat to the alternate side and resume your business. What? I don’t get that.

I want a big bowl of creamy chicken alfredo pasta. I want to eat every bite without feeling guilty. Since that will never, ever happen, what I’ll do is not that. But man, it is definitely one of my favorite things. (Mmm food)

I also really enjoy napping. I managed to sneak in a 20 minute nap on Saturday, which was refreshing enough to get through the next portion of the day, but I adore falling asleep on the couch for an hour. It’s bad when I wake up in the morning and within the first few minutes of stretching and making my bed, start thinking about how great it will be to nap. I used to nap to escape, but now I nap because I’m up enjoying my life so much that I’ll take sleep when I can get it. (word)

My life is really, really good today. And I can see how good it is, and I’m grateful for that.

Life

Remember how I’m trying to grow a plant in my cubicle? I know it’s only been a week but I’m not seeing any roots yet and fear that Arty is not going to make it. Cross your fingers.

How is it that I can completely forget events going on that I’ve been preparing for months for? My orchestra concert is this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! Tonight is my last orchestra rehearsal! That’s kinda sad. I’m grateful for the experience though. It’s been wonderful.

Who thought trampolines were a good idea, ever? I mean really? They’re death traps. (I may or may not have injured myself on one yesterday) My point is – what was the original purpose of a trampoline? Who decided it would be a good idea to stretch that material on springs and jump on it? I’m guessing for science. But I do not know.

Do people who have automatic lights on their cars just assume that if they don’t come on automatically they aren’t necessary? It’s been rainy and gloomy here all week. Turn on your lights people. I pulled out onto a main street thinking I had all kinds of time only to see a camouflaged car at the last second. I had to hit the gas like mad, in the rain, over train tracks. I checked my rear-view a few times and they finally turned their lights on about 2 blocks down the road. Seriously?

Why is it that I struggle with asking people to come support me in the things that I am passionate about? I always feel like it’s an inconvenience or that I shouldn’t be proud of what I’m doing. That has to be something deep within myself, something about people pleasing that I don’t want to invite people to come to my performances because I don’t want to take the chance that they might not enjoy it or they might get bored. Which is dumb, because I’ve gone to things I didn’t want to go to in the spirit of supporting the people I care about. Why shouldn’t I give other people the opportunity to do the same? Life is challenging.

So in the movie Avatar (which I may or may not have watched last night) I am curious, did Jake’s human body get tired while he was running around in his Na’vi body? Or were they completely separate? I mean I know he needed to sleep after, but was he physically exhausted? (note: I had forgotten how good that movie was) Did you know they’re making a sequel? Split into 3 movies? I KNOW. It’s very exciting.

Also, I love the idea of energy flowing through all things, and the line in the movie about how everything is made up of borrowed energy…

“She talks about a network of energy that flows through all living things. All energy is only borrowed. And one day you have to give it back.”

I think that’s a beautiful way to view the universe.

Friday. Yes.

There is an almost palpable shift in the air on a Friday in the office. People are nicer, work seems easier, and I can justify almost anything. Watch.

Long lunch? Welp, it’s Friday! Long morning break? No problem, it’s Friday! Nerdy T-shirt and sneakers to work? Who cares…it’s Friday, hello, get with the program.

It’s quite astonishing, really.

Does everyone have music constantly playing in their heads? What’s it like to have a quiet mind? (clearly yoga and meditation has been a struggle for me, but at least I try)

How does a song make its way into a person’s brain? Like, I just started singing that song Roll to Me by Del Amitri. I had to look up the one line of lyrics I actually knew to figure out what the song was. I haven’t heard it in years. That song came out in 1995. I was 10. Seriously, where did it come from?

How does a school bus driver know where all the bus stops are? I mean, 50 kids on a bus is a lot of kids. I thought buses had like a total of 3 stops. And the kids had to get out and walk home from wherever the closest stop was. (I never rode the bus to school) I got stuck behind a school bus in my neighborhood yesterday and he stopped like 6 times in ‘not very far’ which translates to maybe three streets. There are no signs. Does he have to study a map of the city and memorize? Do the kids know and pull a string? I never saw a string on a bus. It has to be the driver. He must be responsible. (I could keep going, seriously)

What possesses a grown person to take another person’s lunch out of the fridge in the break room?

I write/type fridge instead of refrigerator most of the time because I usually spell refrigerator wrong, which is a huge bummer for me as I am typically quite adept at spelling. (yes, I spelled it wrong. It had the red squiggly line of shame)

Why is there a d in fridge? I mean really, where’d it come from?

Why aren’t office dogs standard for corporations? I mean, they’re just so fluffy. What does it take to get a corporation to allow dogs in the workplace? Cats would be a nightmare, I get that. When a person brings a dog to work, how often do they get to take breaks to take the dog outside for walks?

Is there a study that proves seeing outdoors during work increases productivity?

My lack of a window and office dog severely affects my morale at work. I’ve never had an office dog and only briefly had a window, so it probably doesn’t affect it as much as I’m letting on. I just think both would be great.

I love to eat healthy and really dislike cooking. It’s quite the juxtaposition I haven’t quite overcome yet.

I prefer to binge watch the same TV show on repeat on Netflix rather than start something new. I mean, I know there are a lot of good shows out there. I watched Agents of Shield for the first time and now I’m hooked (it’s incredibly cheesy, but it’s Marvel and Phil Coulson so…duh) Peaky Blinders, same thing. I knew nothing about that show except that Cillian Murphy was in it, and he’s probably in my top 3 favorite actors ever (and he’s Irish, so bonus) so I watched it and LOVED it. I guess my hesitation lies in the fact that my time is valuable (although how valuable is debatable, considering my above statement) and I don’t want to waste it trying a new show/movie that ends up just being awful. Clearly, I’m able to get past that on occasion. But sometimes (who am I kidding, most of the time) I’d prefer to watch something I know is going to make me laugh rather than take a guess.

Pizza is my kryptonite. Seriously, if bribing me is in order, good, thin crust pepperoni pizza is probably your best bet. Well, give it a shot anyway.

Most of the time in my life, I am not a very competitive person. Just the way I’m wired. But let me go ahead put this out there for whatever it’s worth. If you challenge me to a game of Scrabble, it is on. I will show no mercy.

This is getting long and I feel like I should end it and just publish another one later if I want. It has been more facts about me this time around as much as random questions/ideas that I ponder. I’m not sorry. I do feel a little bit badly that anyone reading this is hit with a wall of text. But I’m not motivated enough to insert a bunch of images just for the sake of having them included. I prefer clean lines rather than clutter. Thanks Mom.

[Edit: I just saw an article stating there’s a new non-stick coating out that prevents ketchup from sticking to the inside of the bottle. What a time to be alive.]

For your throwback viewing pleasure:

Two in one Day? The Audacity.

Why are timpani players in orchestra always men over 50? (This is envy talking, I’m thrilled to be playing in orchestra at all but it seems the odds of me ever playing timpani again are not high)

I don’t get the motivation behind announcing the weather on social media. Then again, I posted a picture of a plant I’m trying to grow at work. So… there’s that.

Every time I try to make a recipe from my childhood, it pales in comparison to my memory. What’s with that?

Why do people prefer certain types of music? Is it based on early childhood exposure? Or more about what’s happened in life? Or is it something in our brains?

I struggle with telling people about things I do and enjoy. Like singing, or painting. I always have to set the standards really low by explaining how I’m not very good. What’s the deal with that?

I can get passionate about almost anything, and in no time at all. I can get to the middle of a heated discussion and realize I’m fervently talking about my parent’s old hand mixer in comparison to my new one that died after two uses. (Theirs are older than me and still working marvelously. Wtf?)

Does every person on this planet have a purpose? Like, a deep, to the core, purpose of the soul? If so, how does one access that info? Is there a secret trek I’m supposed to participate in?

The night sky is infinitely beautiful to me. I can get lost in the stars.

I’m going to enjoy orchestra rehearsal now. Jackson Berkey will be here and that’s exciting. We’re doing a world premier of one of his pieces which is an amazing opportunity I’m grateful to be part of. These are the types of gifts I’ve been given. My musings may seem as if I’m unhappy. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m quite thrilled with my life. I just find life itself intriguing.

P.s. my plant’s name is Arthur. But I say it with a British accent. It’s way more fun that way.

(Arthur)