Great life.

This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him Who presides over us all.

I love that phrase. It comes from a book I read often. Last year, a physicist gave me a picture from the Hubble telescope with the second part on the side as a Christmas card. It stays in my car and is a reminder to me that even though I am a small part of the Universe, I should be grateful for my purpose in it. That I have a right to be here, just like you.

It also reminds me that I should never allow the good things in my life to become things I complain about. While I admit that is a lofty goal considering that I am, in fact, human, it can be a goal that I strive towards.

I have had an insane month. On top of regular things like work, meetings, choir, chores, therapy, dietitian and the gym, I have purchased a home (!), performed in an orchestra concert, gone on several dates, joined a couple of committees, tried cooking new foods, done plenty of homework for class, and have been dog-sitting since last Saturday, which adds an entirely new routine in the mix. The dogs are giant, and they bark a lot, and they demand attention. What I’m saying is that I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m exhausted. There are plenty of things I did not mention, but my point is this:

I am lucky to have such a full life.

There was a time when my life was desolate. Not many wanted to be in my company. I wasn’t great company, really. I don’t blame them. At that time in my life, all I wanted was to be a part of something. I had no passions left. I remember feeling that empty ache inside, missing the person I used to be but not being able to figure out how to get her back.

Today, I can catch myself getting wrapped up in complaints about this thing or that thing, and yes it’s true that my life is stressful, but it’s full of people who want to spend time with me, whether I believe that they do or not. They keep showing up. People trust me with their homes, their pets and their secrets. They confide in me and show up for me in ways I’ve never experienced before. It is an amazing thing. I am reminded to be grateful.

There are times, like now, when I see people that I love struggling to work through a terribly devastating situation, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I can pray and give hugs, which are sometimes ill-received. I get it. Grief is indescribable, and everyone handles it differently. So I stand at the ready, willing to help but keeping my distance. They know I’m here. I know they know.

Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes, the ones we love are taken from us before we are ready. There is no easy way to process through something like that. My experience has proven that time and permission to feel are the only two things that guarantee getting through to the other side of the valley.

I don’t know where this is going, or how I got here. I just know that today I’m grateful for my life, my health, my friends and my family. A new relationship, a new home, a new chapter to write, and love to give to those around me. My goal is to fear less and love more. Hesitate less. Honor myself and the things that make me who I am. Be a friend. And always, be grateful. Be thankful for my life. Remember that the things I may be complaining about are the things I longed for most.

Relax.

Enjoy.

Relish.

Life is not forever – revel in the moment.

Be grateful.

Friday.

Sometimes when I drive, I have something in my passenger seat like a card or a book, or something else trivial that I certainly don’t need while I’m paying attention to the road, and I’ll make a turn, and said item will go flying off the seat and I react as if it’s fallen into some abyss never to be seen again. Usually grumbling some profanity at the same time. I did this the other day and realized what an overreaction it was. Like, it’ll be there when I park the car.

I’m finding tattoo ideas quicker than I can save money to get them.

Going with the car theme, sneezing in the car is one of the most terrifying things ever. I mean, I know that your eyes only close for half a second, but a lot can happen in a half a second! And there’s NO control over it.

I was surprised to hear that someone is inspired by me. It is flattering, and it’s an honor, but I immediately wonder why. I just imagine all the things that make me so so awkward. I trip over myself constantly, I suffer from crippling self-doubt and insecurity, sometimes I stutter on the phone when I’m trying to run a call and I have a knack for letting things go bad in the fridge. I take an excessive amount of pictures of my cats and I listen to the same music and watch the same shows/movies over and over. I spend an inappropriate amount of time in Walgreen’s trying to decide on new body wash and have almost no impulse control when it comes to Amazon online shopping. I’m just saying. I’m grateful that we as people see things in others that they don’t often see.

When someone says, you really look like you need to have that cup of coffee, is that a veiled way of saying good lord you look tired? I think it might be. That’s ok, it’s probably true. Also, I do need this cup of coffee.

Doing laundry yesterday, I was so proud of myself for getting everything in one load that I didn’t think about whether or not I should’ve. Folding it will be a nightmare. Notice I said will be, because I certainly didn’t do it yesterday.

Sometimes when I hear people sigh, I wonder if it’s a sigh because they’re frustrated, or angry, or remembering something fondly, or if they just really needed to take a big deep breath. I sometimes take deep breaths because it feels good to breathe in as deeply as I can and exhale audibly. I can’t help it. It feels nice. You should try it.

Isn’t it amazing how a person can be in the periphery of your life, and then all of a sudden, they radiate so brightly that you can’t help but notice who they are and what they do and how they make you feel? Friend, coworker, significant other, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes a person just illuminates my life, and I’m tuned in enough these days to notice when they shine. I think that’s wonderful.

I am getting closer to perfecting the pan-cooked steak. I know.

What a hiatus!

I have not been around these parts in a minute! I’ve been using another medium to blog about some things near and dear that I don’t necessarily need everyone to know about but have to work through. With that, plus school, meetings, work, standing appointments, choir, orchestra, and dating, I’ve been incredibly busy.

Crazy how life gets good isn’t it?

Have you ever taken into consideration the random articles found on the roadways? I’m curious. I mentioned this on my Facebook, seeing a random shoe in the median. The responses were varied – some wondered, like me, if a person was so angry that throwing a shoe out of the window was the only natural response. Others thought that perhaps something terrible happened. One person said a ‘friend of hers’ thought that it was proof of an alien abduction. But I mean, I have seen some weird things on the roadside. Baby seat. Couch. Couch cushion. Bookshelf. Shoe. Backpack. I can’t imagine that all of these things bounced out of the back of a truck.

Sometimes I look at pictures of space, and of Earth, and of our Universe and I just get overwhelmed. Does that ever happen to you with anything? I just think about our planets in orbit around the sun, and how incredible it is that such a thing exists at all, and how so many things happen in such a big world that is actually tiny in comparison to the solar system it resides in while hurtling through space. Sometimes it’s a challenge for me to wrap my mind around the god thing, but when I think of all this, I’m convinced that the name doesn’t matter – there’s something out there bigger than me and I’m grateful.

Think about weather, and tides, and how plants and humans help each other out, and tell me that it wasn’t by design. Now look, I’m a firm believer in science and I’m not saying that the world was created in “7 days” by a supreme being. I don’t think there’s a puppet master pulling strings. What I am saying is that it isn’t just coincidence that humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, and that plants absorb carbon dioxide and emit oxygen. That’s one of many examples that I could provide, but I think at this point I’m starting to ramble. It’s just powerful stuff.

I’m *this* close to home-ownership again! Also *this* close to being done with class for the semester. Orchestra concert was Sunday and went off well. I had a few people in the audience this time which was pretty cool. Choir concert is in a month. Closing date for the house would be in a month. I’m dating a neat guy. I’m doing personal training at the gym, I’m sponsoring a gal who seems to really be trying, I’m participating in service commitments…

Basically what I’m saying is I’m so busy I think that sometimes I skate by on adrenaline and caffeine alone. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I have a few friends who openly protest Thanksgiving, stating that America is celebrating genocide of the Native American population, and I know there are many others who believe that way. Lots of protests by Native American tribes take place on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, many Native Americans are supportive of Thanksgiving, as the main purpose of the day is to give thanks to whatever you believe in for the things we have in life. I think initially it was a day of thanks for the first successful harvest. Of course, there are those who will say history has been changed and what the books say does not accurately reflect what really happened. I guess we’ll never know for sure.What I love is that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. As long as you don’t force your beliefs on me, we’re good.

That being said, I love Thanksgiving, with all of the drama of trying to get the food prepared at the same time, making sure the potatoes aren’t too lumpy or too smooth. I swear, someday I’m going to master what ‘until it looks right’ means when my mom tells me to add milk to the potatoes. I like looking at ads at what I’d buy if I had all the money in the world or the bravery to try to shop on Black Friday. I like having football on the TV while we nap, going to the meeting, playing games, eating pie. What I really want to do that I have never done is see the lighting ceremony in our downtown area. I am hoping I can this year. I’ve been here 30 years and never experienced it. I mean I’ve seen the lights. I just haven’t seen them light up for the first time. Ya get me.

Wow. This thing is all over the place. Well, kinda like my brain I guess. You’re welcome.

To Travel, Always

So, what I’ve found is that watching TV is as much a vacation as being somewhere new. Also, I’ve found about 4 new shows I’d love to get into. Not enough to pay for cable, but I get how people get hooked on so many TV shows.

I met the nicest guy on the plane ride from Chicago to Fort Lauderdale. We talked the whole trip. Considering we took a detour to avoid a storm, it was about 2.5 hours of chatting. You can learn a lot about a person in that time. I love that about traveling. Everyone has a story – and I love when people choose to share their stories with me. He and his wife and their friends nearly missed boarding, so they were all split up. Lucky me, he was so pleasant. He also suggested, after getting to me a little bit, that I should write as well. But what to write? I just have no idea. I know that I love it, but I don’t know what interests people that I have the knowledge to write about. I can write about my experience, that’s all I got. Maybe it’ll be enough someday. I just find it more than coincidence that I continue to hear that from people in my life.

I just want one thing in my life that is mine, ya know? One thing about me that makes me, me. Everything that I do right now is shared by at least one of my family members or friends. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Having said that – what makes me, me? Is it writing? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m in a spot where everything is somewhat up in the air – I think that’s probably a good place to be. It means anything can happen, and I like that idea.

I’m in Fort Lauderdale. The views are incredible. While I will admit, staying on the Gulf side is better for sunsets, I’m quite excited about seeing the sunrise tomorrow morning. The sand is soft and the waves crashing on the shore is mesmerizing. I realize how lucky I am that I have been to so many places and continue to travel. Sometimes I get lonely, especially when couples make up the most of the clientele, however most of the time I relish the solitude. I am more of an independent free spirit than I ever really recognized before. Embracing, owning and honoring that abut myself has been an incredibly rewarding experience.

For now, NCIS is marathoning on USA, which I can watch because I have cable in my hotel room. Fancy. Tomorrow is the World Finals Sand Volleyball Tournament on the beach – along with reading, relaxing, exercising, and just being.

Soak it up.

Friday took forever to get here.

What if what I think is random isn’t so random?

Do you do things you don’t want to do because you know that even if you don’t want to it’s the right thing to do? Adulting.

I am surprised that I am apprehensive to go on vacation tomorrow considering I already traveled alone much further away, but I suppose it’s healthy to be a little afraid. Right? RIGHT?

I am looking forward to reading a lot.

How does one figure out what to write about? Just, generally speaking. Generally.

It’s funny, I see a list of movies that are leaving Netflix and I’m outraged that I didn’t even know some of them were AVAILABLE on Netflix and then I remember I watch the same 2 or 3 shows all the time and consider the fact that maybe I need to branch out more.

If I want to travel internationally again next year, I should start figuring out where I want to go now. Or soon-ish.

Figuring out who I am, what I like and what I want, and learning how to speak up and voice all of that, has been a terrifying and also quite rewarding experience. I get to exercise my right to say yes, and to say no, and deal with whatever the fallout is from those actions. I get to choose. It’s cool. I realize that speaking your mind and saying no when you don’t want to do something or yes when you do may not be new for a lot of people. It is new for me. I’m liking it a lot.

Tattoo in Florida? Mayyyyybe….

Vaca brain

Do you believe in personality quizzes? Have you ever taken any and thought wow, that is spot on? I have. When I answer truthfully I am always surprised at how accurate my results can be. Is it because you see what you want to see in the results? I dunno. Interesting though.

If you could go anywhere alone, where would you go? I’m going to Florida this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited. I love traveling alone. I’m looking forward to ocean views and sand beneath my feet, and doing what I want, when I want.

Looking forward to some meditation and reading this weekend, along with some tasty foods and great photo ops. Now to find my camera…

It’s tattoo time, speaking of doing what I want when I want. I know, I’m ridiculous. I just love them so.

Do you ever think about how many different people there are in the world and how differently they all live their lives and perceive the things around them? Like, it’s no wonder communication is difficult. I love figuring out how people communicate and the mirroring it back to them. I just don’t know what to do with that skill set.

If you could be told what your purpose in life was, would you want to hear? I would.

Getting ahead on homework is a great feeling especially with a vaca coming up. So long suckers!

I’m really ready for the beach.

I love hobbies.

Can you imagine what it was like to discover the universe? I mean, to figure out that something in space was actually another planet, or to figure out the sun was the center of the universe? That we were actually moving around the sun and not the other way around? I wonder what it was like back then.

Hey! Conningsby! Come take a look through this telescope chap, and tell me what you see! By jove, it’s a planet I tell you!

Look I’m just saying it’d definitely be a life altering moment. If I had the smarts, I’d do science stuff. Space is fascinating guys.

Road workers have the most terrifying jobs. Ok maybe not most, but they’re up there. Driving home last night, watching guys put cones out on the INTERSTATE while people were flying around them going way too fast, I just pondered how absolutely terrifying it’d be to do that job. I also realized I had never seen them in the process of blocking off lanes.

I walked away from the house – the inspection was just awful. Too many big things to fix. It was sad, but I feel better about the decision today. So, back to the search.

I have actually felt an inspiration to paint something, which I’ve not had yet, or acknowledged at least. I’m looking forward to doing it, I just don’t know WHEN.

I’ve found that pictures hanging in my cubicle make me hate it less. I wonder if there’s a limit on how many personal items we can have at our desk. I have a handful, at least. I’ve never heard anything of the sort here, but at other big companies I have had friends who had to clear off personal items. Which I think is just ridiculous. Especially when we have no windows. If I have a troll with neon pink hair to keep me company on my desk, why should anyone care? (I don’t have one, but that’d be pretty sweet).

I got a guitar from my uncle to play for a while – I can’t wait. Hearing the strings, feeling them beneath my fingers, that full, rich sound, there’s nothing like it. I’m terribly out of practice, but the point is just to play. It’ll come back to me.

I’m sad to see summer go but I am ready for boots, hoodies and leaves crunching under my feet. Fall is my favorite. Just don’t think too much about what comes after fall. Stay in the moment, it’s much more fun.

Grown-up Stuff is Scary

So it turns out buying a house is absolutely terrifying. I mean, incredibly exciting, and exhilarating, but also terrifying and an incredibly emotional thing. I wasn’t prepared for the roller-coaster.  But, hey! I bought a house! Now, to pack. And do schoolwork. And work. And meetings. And gym. At least I can’t say I’m bored.

Long weekends make me wish that I never had to go back to work.

Why do cats wait until dark and quiet to completely terrorize each other?

It turns out I was posting in another blog for a more specific purpose but I didn’t have it listed on my profile so all the traffic was coming here. And I thought it was a mistake with the tracking on the site. Clearly an operator error.

Corn on the cob – how is it so delicious? Of all the stereotypes I fit into regarding the Midwest, loving corn on the cob is at the top of the list.

How many times does it take spilling coffee out of a new mug before realizing how to drink it appropriately? Apparently at least 3 times for me.

How far away does a storm have to be to see constant lightning and hear no rumbling of thunder that follows? I am fascinated by nature.

I keep thinking it’s Monday. It is not Monday.

I bought a house!

Mondays man.

How is it that people think a glade plug-in or some Febreze is going to cover the smell of cat pee? Like, really?

What is the point of a group project in an online class?

Can senioritis be a thing, even though I’ve been attending classes off and on for years? I am so close to being done that even the thought of reading the book is annoying.

How many houses on average does a person look at before purchasing – is there data mining for that type of information?

How does one find their dream job/career while also trying to live in the moment and not project into the future?

How am I supposed to wait until May of 2016 for the next Marvel movie? (Ant-Man was pretty sweet, for the record)

My new personal trainer is great, and here’s what I don’t understand – how can I be so funny and laid back with some people and with others I’m just completely tongue-tied? Is it because I “know” I’m not going to impress this kid so I don’t worry so much? I have no idea. It is baffling to me.

Why does time go by quicker on weekend days than it does on weekdays?

Why aren’t there resealable bags for cereal?

What happens if a cop pulls you over and they have a headlight out? Can you say something about it? Do they do once-overs on their cars before they go out on patrol? “Hey Bob, can you check my taillights?”

What is it about food days at work? It’s like the only thing that we can get excited about. Happy Friday! Stuff your face! But one of my aisle-mates brought homemade salsa so I am pretty stoked about that.

Why can’t I seem to take my contacts out on a regular basis? I did last night and today my eyes will not stop watering. I really need to get in the habit of taking them out more, I don’t want to do permanent damage to my eyes. Besides, my glasses are pretty adorable.

How crazy is it that just over 4 years ago I had no chance of doing anything based on my credit score, and today I’ve been pre-approved for a house?! (It’s pretty crazy)

What even are allergies? I mean, how do they just randomly show up in a person at 30? Have they been lying dormant in my body this whole time?

School starts in just over a week. I’m so close to being done I can taste it.

My life is so full today – I’m really quite lucky.